China Steve – Survived by Sarah

WHO: His screen name was China Steve because he had gone on a work trip to China and in the middle of his trip had written his POF profile. It seems like there might be way cooler things to do in your downtime in China, but maybe that’s just me. You should also maybe not include this information in your dating profile, but again maybe that’s just me. Maybe some girls like boring oversharers with no life. 

WHAT: Another gem from Plenty of Fish, and my first date since officially splitting for the last and final time from my ex whom I also met on POF.

WHEN: Two days ago (June 23, 2015)

WHERE: We both lived in the same neighborhood and he suggested a bar I hadn’t been to that supposedly had good beer and food.

WHY: Because breakup, heartache, desperation not to return to singlehood, bla bla bla.

THE DATE
The thought of dating again made me physically ill. It had only been a week since my breakup and I wasn’t by any means over it. I had zero closure as he had basically fallen off the face of the earth after pledging his undying love to me. But I know my mental limits fortunately and I know when I’m about to start emotionally spiraling. So to avoid coming unglued I plowed ahead and reluctantly downloaded all the dating apps again.

If ignorance is bliss then denial must be the best medicine…right?

I was not excited to go on this date. But I was excited to try a new place in my neighborhood as I don’t go out that often these days. Over the previous two months I had flown to CA five times for various wedding events, so I was slightly strapped for cash. I made a quick dinner at home after yoga and then headed out to meet China Steve.

Pro online dating tip: When you are only committed to a drink, it’s easier to leave faster. It also saves you money.

The bar was in a lovely tree-shaded section of Old Ballard. The weather had been unreasonably hot for Seattle, but under the shade of the trees it was actually nice. I got to the bar and saw they had all the windows open and it looked like a breezy, hip little place.

Well, I was wrong.

I walked inside and was hit with a stifling wall of dead hot air. The place was stagnant and I should have taken that as a bad omen of what was to come.

The guy was…an engineer. I’m not sure how else to describe him. He didn’t quite know how to dress, he had uncomfortably terrible social skills, and his teeth were terrible. He wasn’t even close to looking like his photos. The cherry on top was the coin he was wearing on a lanyard around his neck.

Before everyone gets all up in arms, I know there are some well-adjusted normal engineers. Some of them are even my friends. But let’s face it, all of the engineers who are on dating apps are not the ones worth dating.

This guy didn’t know how to engage in conversation, he only knew how to answer questions. He gave me nothing back. It’s exhausting to do all the interviewing on your own, and at some point I just gave up. Whenever things got silent and uncomfortable, I just started riding it out. Waiting. And so did he. What a bore.

He had just come back from a month long work trip to China and I asked him about it. He told me he’s been there twice and is really well travelled.

Me: “I love traveling. Where else have you been?”
Him: “Nowhere else outside the U.S., just China twice.”
Me: “Oh…did you get to go anywhere else while you were over there?”
Him: “No, I usually just went to the office and hung around my hotel on my off-time.”
Me: “Oh…”

He mentioned that he goes on road trips with his friends a lot.

Me: “Oh cool, where do you guys go?”
Him: “Well, I really want to go to Yellowstone and Yosemite and all the national parks. But I always just go where everyone else is already going, so we’ve gone to the same place in WA three years in a row.”
Me: “Oh…”

I drained my beer fairly quickly in the gross sticky air of the bar that rivaled the heat outside. Washington people don’t know how to deal with any weather outside of a 10 degree bracket from 65 to 75 degrees. Snow plows and air conditioners don’t exist here.

He sure seemed to be taking his sweet time finishing his beer.

The waitress came over and asked if we wanted another drink. I did not.

China Steve did not take the hint, and took his sweet time perusing the extensive beer list. Then he finally just ordered what I had had.

It was agony waiting for him to finish that beer. I got up and went to the bathroom just for something to do, and when I came back it almost seemed like he had more beer in his cup than when I left.

At some point we talked about Adam Scott. I mentioned I really enjoy him and that a friend I went to elementary school with just wrote a movie Adam Scott starred in. (Shameless plug: Everyone go see The Overnight)

As soon as that last sip hit his lips, I stood up impatiently. We walked outside and I hugged him briefly. I mentioned the requisite “let’s totally do this again” thing and walked off.

He texted me the next morning and said, “Adam Scott did a Reddit AMA last night. It was the perfect opportunity for you to ask him all your nerdy fan questions.”

Having no idea what Reddit is and zero desire to speak to him again, I sighed and deleted him from from my phone.

But I still really like Adam Scott. It’s too bad he’s not taller. Or married. Or someone I will ever probably actually meet due to my crippling inability to ever play it cool around famous people. Oh well.