Justin – Survived by Sarah

WHO: Justin

WHAT: Blind date set-up by my coworker

WHEN: June 2015

WHERE: Burgundian, a restaurant and bar in Tangletown, Seattle

WHY: Because I was reeling from a sort-of breakup. My coworker had mentioned this guy to me a couple times and I finally pleaded with her to make it happen to get my mind off my sort-of ex. She gave me his number and I texted him to get the ball rolling.

THE DATE
My coworker had told me a couple times she thought I would get along with this friend of her husband’s. I was in the middle of a gut-wrenching on-and-off roller coaster relationship, but it had been seemingly over for 2 weeks so I went ahead and contacted this Justin guy. He was in Mexico for a few days but we made a plan to meet for dinner when he got back. As the day got closer, my coworker began mentioning that she thought I would either really like this guy or really hate him.

So I started getting nervous.

She said he was really funny and she liked him, and since I liked her, I trusted her judgement. She had mentioned at some point that he was going to law school, which seemed at least promising. He was working towards something, so I assumed he had some motivation. But then the day of the date she told me she had been thinking about it and was pretty sure I wouldn’t like him.

Sigh.

I headed to the restaurant and looked inside, but didn’t see anyone sitting on their own. It was a beautiful day out so I grabbed us a table outside and texted him to let him know.

I sat there for a good 10 minutes sipping water. He was late and didn’t seem to feel the need to tell me, which is never a good way to start things off. I saw a guy walk in the door and then he appeared at my table a minute later.

Justin: “You didn’t see me waiting inside for you?”
Me: “Um, no. I looked, but..”
Justin, interrupting me: “Well I’ve been sitting in there waiting.”

It was clear to me he was lying, but it was not clear why. He had obviously just arrived, I had seen him walk in the door. I recognized his stupid shirt. Why didn’t he just tell me he got stuck in traffic or something and apologize?

I had spoken to my sort-of ex the night before for 3 hours on the phone. We’d talked through everything, he’d apologized for everything, and we were both dedicated to giving our relationship a real true go. I loved him desperately, and he seemed to love me back even more. I’d told him I already had this date planned and that I wasn’t going to cancel last minute because I still didn’t trust my sort-of ex. He understood and said he would be waiting for me when it was over, but that he sort-of hoped it didn’t go well. I agreed.

So I’m sitting across the table from this person I’ve never met who has already lied to my face. I couldn’t wait for this to be over so I could get back to the real thing I had waiting for me. But I’m nice, so I tried to make conversation.

He wasn’t all that tall, but slightly taller than me. He was possibly high, but I couldn’t quite tell. He was not very well groomed, but in that messy unkempt look that stoners have and not the cool suave “I tried really hard to look like I rolled out of bed because I’m a hipster” look. His points were not adding up.

I asked him how his trip was, and he told me he saw the sunrise every day he was there and then slept all day until the sunset. He would then get up and continue to party.

In case you missed that, I’ll reiterate for you. He was in Mexico. And he slept all day. Every day. All he did was party all night. Every night.

This guy was 30.

Maybe that’s fun for some people, but I’ve outgrown that. And if I’m in a beautiful tropical place, you can damn well be sure I’m going to explore it WHILE THE SUN IS STILL OUT. Who goes to a beautiful beach destination and NEVER MAKES IT TO THE BEACH IN THE DAYTIME?!

I digress.

The waiter came over and asked if we wanted anything to eat. It was 7pm, which most people might think of as dinnertime. We had agreed to meet at a restaurant that  he picked at dinnertime. He’d told me ahead of time how great the food was there. But this Justin across from me says to the waiter, “Oh no, we’re fine.”

I’m pretty independent and don’t need other people to make my eating decisions for me. I looked up from the menu at him half quizzically and half extremely annoyed.

Justin: “Yeah, I’m not hungry. I ate right before I left to come here.”
Me: “Umm ok. Well I just came from an hour of yoga, so I’m starving and need to eat. You can just awkwardly watch me I guess.”

Justin blathered on and on about how great the food was at this place, and harped on how great the chicken and waffles are. He told me I should order them, but I reiterated that I’d just come from yoga and didn’t really feel like stuffing myself full of fried food and bread. I also said that chicken and waffles is not the greatest meal to have someone watch you eat.

We moved on.

I asked him what he did, and he got a little squirmy.

Justin, after a pause: “I’m a farmer.”
Me, knowing full well what that meant: “Oh, so you grow pot?”

He told me it was his “family business” but that no one else worked with him. I wasn’t interested but asked questions and let him keep yammering on just to help pass the time.

We hadn’t been sitting there long, maybe 20 minutes, when he pulled out his phone. He stared at it silently and began texting someone. I just sat there blatantly staring at him. This went on for a few minutes. I drank my beer and seethed while I continued staring at him.

He eventually looked back up at me and we had some terrible conversation. He told me he had recently gotten a new car because he’d crashed his last one.

Me: “Oh my god, what happened?”
Justin: “Oh, it wasn’t a big deal. I crashed into a parked car.”
Me: “Oh…um..”
Justin: “Yeah, I’d been up all night partying and tried to drive home at 11am. You know how when you’re really tired you think it’s a good idea to drive, even though you know you probably shouldn’t?”
Me: “Um..”
Justin: “Yeah, well I’d been up all night and just dozed off and hit a parked car. My car was totaled.”
Me: “Well did your insurance at least get you a new car out of it?”

And here comes the real true gem of the evening. I mean, it’s completely idiotic and ludicrous, but it’s so astoundingly stupid that it’s amazing.

Justin: “Nah. I don’t have Facebook or car insurance or anything like that. I don’t really do that kind of social media responsible stuff.”

Silence.

Me, taking a deep breath: “Wait…you think that car insurance and Facebook are the same thing?”
Justin: “Yeah, pretty much. I don’t really do that stuff. I mean, I crash a car every few years so what’s the point?”
Me: “Ok…first of all, those are in no way the same thing. Facebook and car insurance? You reall think those are the same? One of them is legally required and one is status messages about people’s food and cats. And second, why do you crash a car every few years? Why don’t you just stop crashing cars?”

I was baffled. My brain was grappling to understand such sheer and utter stupidity. I was rendered speechless as what he said started to sink in.

He sat across the table silent as he stared at his phone texting for several minutes. I chugged my beer.

Finally, he looked up.

Justin: “Sorry, I’ve got plans to meet up with a buddy soon.”

Whatever.

I think at some point I may have asked him about going to law school.

Justin: “Yeah, I think about that sometimes. Maybe in 2 years or so. What I’m doing right now pays the bills, so who knows. I might never go.”

I was over it dot com.

He stared at his phone for a third time for several minutes. I stared off into the distance so bored. I wanted to be done with this so I could call the guy I really wanted to be with and tell him I was all his from then forward.

Eventually Justin looked up, we probably had mediocre conversation, and he nicely paid the whole bill. I will at least give him credit for that. I think he could finally sense that this was not going well. To his credit, he also walked me to my car. As we walked he stopped and inspected some plants, asking me if maybe they were dill.

I tapped my foot while I waited for him because WHO CARES??

We got to my car, we hugged, and I bolted.

I called my guy-in-waiting and he was glad it had gone terribly. But spoiler alert: he and I talked on the phone every night for a week after that, saw each other in person and had an amazing day, made grand declarations of our undying love for each other, made plans for my upcoming birthday and our future together, and then two days later he fell off the face of the earth and I never heard from him again.

So, with one story two chapters end. Dating is the actual worst.