The Couch Guy – Survived by Tara

Okay, let’s be real. I could totally lie and tell you that I’ve been going out on dates left and right. Or that I’ve mastered the art of finally picking up dudes at bars. That would all be a giant lie. I have done nothing. I’ve been working, dancing, trapezing, and having an amazing amount of visitors. I haven’t had time to try to go on dates, let alone the want. However, last week I made a little headway.
WHO: Rose (yes, you saw that correctly. Rose. A lady.)
WHAT: Real Life?!
WHEN: Last week
WHERE: Anthropologie, Seattle
WHY: Because I have no mouth filter.

The….well, the situation:
My sister had been crashing with me for a few days. I woke up to fresh baked bread, coffee, and Sister painting over the graffiti wall that O had done a few months ago. I headed to work and had a pretty normal day, until a woman came in looking for a couch. We sit on the couch looking at fabric swatches and chatting for a few minutes. She is funny and very eclectic. She’s a costume designer and wants something that will pop in her living room. She grabs her phone to show me the space where the couch would go.

Me: “Oooo! The red would look killer in that space!”
Her: “Right? Let me show you a few more pictures.” (swipe swipe swipe)
Me: “Wait. Who is that?”
Her: “That’s my son!”
Me: “Is he single and does he want to date me?”
Her: “Excuse me?”
Me: “I was just kidding, hahahahaha, I mean kinda? But really. Does he want to date me?”

I’m kicking myself for the verbal diarrhea that won’t stop coming out of my mouth.

Me: “I’m single! I love bacon, and I totally have a tattoo to prove it. We should set this up! Also, I have a killer relationship with my family and I have a job. OO! I teach dance classes, took up trapeze, and did I mention the bacon tattoo?”
Her: “I’m Rose and please let me see your tattoo.”

I bust out my bacon bicep tattoo. She laughs and tells me her son is single and loves to cook.

Her: “Well, I am definitely going to order this couch. How do we go about the dating thing?”
Me: “Um..uh…here’s my card? I mean if your son is totally okay with a blind date with an almost total stranger, then he should totally call me. But it’s no big deal if not. I mean it would be so fun cause I just moved here, but yeah, no pressure or anything……”
Her: “This was such a successful shopping day!”
Me: “Rose, I’m Tara. So glad you aren’t totally creeped out by my randomness. Guess maybe I’ll talk to you soon!”
Rose: “You are lovely. This could definitely work out. Talk soon!”

The next day Rose’s husband comes in to, um, “look at the couch.” Now, he had already seen it online and called the store about it before Rose came in, so there was no real reason. But sure. He asks for me and we end up chatting on the couch for about 20 min. All the things Rose and I chatted about, however brief, he casually brings up.

Peter: “So I hear you’re from San Francisco!”

Definitely didn’t tell Rose that.

Me: “Yep! Just moved a few months ago. So this couch, comfy right?”
Peter: “And you are a dancer?”
Me: “Oh! Yes, I teach Salsa classes.”
Peter: “Hmm, interesting. And you like Bacon?”

I didn’t remember telling Rose that either, so I assume I’ve been Facebook stalked. I can’t decide if I’m creeped out or flattered.

We chat a little bit more, and finally talk about the couches. He leaves and the next day I get a text from the Son!

He seems normal, at least via text message. Funny, witty, fast replies. But after a week of texting and me initiating a potential hangout, I’m over it. Again, I don’t want a text message buddy. I want to meet in real life. I have all sorts of ridiculous adventures planned and none of them involve hanging out on my phone. There are 20 places in Seattle with old fashioned photo booths. There is a german town north of here with pretzels and beers. Sarah’s uncle has a SAILBOAT!!!! A BOAT! TO SAIL! So many fun things!

I realize that I could have called him, but keep in mind WE HAVE LEGIT never met and are getting set up by his parents. Who FACEBOOK STALKED ME. So I sent one last text message and when I didn’t hear back after a few days, well, it’s probably for the best.

On the bright side, his parents did buy 2 couches.

Never compromise on someone who might live with their parents on VERY expensive couches from Anthropologie and are text savvy. Le sigh.

Kris With A K – Survived by Tara

Side Note: As  most of you have seen on Facebook, I’m leaving the bay! This is both exciting and terrifying. I’m heading north to Seattle where I will be in the same zip code as my DPIC. This means lots of things for you, our nearest and dearest readers:

1. We are going speed dating. 
2. Tara is forcing Sarah to join an adventure dating group with her.
3. There will be a YouTube channel where we drink, eat, and talk about boys. It will of course be themed.
4. Since Sarah is seeing someone, this means that there will be loads of weird double dates.
5. Since Sarah is seeing someone, this also means that she will have time to be my dating pimp.

Lucky YOU! Lucky ME?

Anyway, since I’m moving, on a budget, living on friend’s couches, and working like a crazy person, I don’t have the means to date at the moment. So instead, I’ve been getting back in touch with friends and  reminiscing abpout the past. I recently had dinner with an old friend, Wes, and remembered this goodie, and then SAW HIM ON THE STREET YESTERDAY. Ugh. The universe is telling me to leave.

WHO: Kris with a K (REALLY!?? who does that!!!)

WHAT: OkCupid

WHEN: Sluttly summer, 2011. We went on 5 dates.

WHERE: San Francisco, the Mission and Lower Haight to be exact.

WHY: He loved to dance. Also, he had a full head of hair, said he was taller than me, and oh right, HE LOVED TO DANCE. I’m not sure if some of you know, but I love to dance. Not just a little step touch and shoulder shrugging at a bar, but I LOVE to dance. I majored in dance in college, I know “Thriller” and “Beat It” by heart, I used to dance in a tour Salsa company, I teach couples first dances for weddings, and I am a fairly good burlesque dancer. So when a guy says he loves to dance, I’m not only interested, I’m instantly planning our future.

THE DATES
He was smart. And he knew his dance lingo. I was so shocked after our first couple of messages. He knew about pirouettes, he knew the history behind ballroom dancing, and could do the basic Salsa step. I was smitten. We set up a date for coffee on a Friday afternoon around 4pm.

Now, for our male friends who are dating, this is the smartest first date you could plan. Coffee around 4 means you can hang for an hour and if she’s crazy, you can then make up an excuse and leave. If you are totally feeling each other, you can move on to dinner or drinks, and the night is your oyster. So, I was totally okay with this.

He was there early. A plus! He was, in fact, taller than me (shocked!), and he was cute. Like boy next door cute. Wholesome and the kind of guy who makes you think about the future without even knowing you are doing it. I knew I liked him the moment he smiled.

Kris: “Tara? You look amazing! I love your top. Anthropologie?” (This was long before I worked there, but I was already a crazy Anthro shopper.)
Me: “Yes! Thanks! How’d you know?”
Him: “I’ve got a sister.”
Me: “So Kris with a K?”
Kris: “I wanted to be unique, you know? Change things up a bit, so I changed it when I was 15.”
Me: “Oh, cool. I’m just Tara. With a T.”

We chatted a bit, and he had a great smile. He was smart, charming, and very handsome.

Me: “What kind of hobbies do you have Kris?”
Him: “So, I know this is going to sound totally weird, but I love to dance. I’m a ballet dancer and one of the principal dancers in Sacramento. I’m auditioning for the Nutcracker!”
Me: “Oh! That is so cool! I’m a Salsa dancer. So you’re really into ballet?”
Kris: “I know what you are thinking, and I’m totally into girls. In fact, how about we grab dinner? You are super fun and really pretty, so let’s get food and keep chatting.”

He was really easy to talk to. We had dinner and then drinks and then he walked me to my bus stop. I wanted him to kiss me. I gave him every single hint, and still nothing. We had hung out for 7 hours. That totally warranted a kiss. Or at least the promise of a kiss at our next date. He had tickets for Swan Lake next week. Would I like to go? Ummmm Duh. My bus came and there was a quasi-awkawd kiss cheek hug thing and a promise to call me later in the week to confirm.

Which he did. He called and we talked for an hour. We made plans to get pizza before the ballet, and I was so excited. Here was a guy I could talk to about one of my favorite things and he understood. He got it.We went to Little Star for dinner, where I randomly ran into my childhood best friend Wes who I hadn’t seen in over 18 years. Dinner was great, and we had AMAZING seats at the ballet, and I was smitten.

I have this weird habit when I see dance shows. I can’t keep my legs still. My feet move in time to the music and I often find myself swaying in my seat. He did this too. He grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear, ”Do you imagine yourself dancing? That’s why I can’t sit still either.”

Never once did my gaydar go off. He had totally convinced me that he was a straight, ballet-loving male. But four dates later, we still had not kissed.

I was officially baffled and over it. It had been 5 dates, dinner, drinks, movies, games, etc., and every night before we said goodbye, it was a kiss on the cheek and a hug followed by me rushing to get to my bus. I was done. I needed at least a little make out session. I was all for taking it slow, but this was just painful.

So on our 6th date (YES 6 dates without ANY KISSING, and this was almost 2 months!!!! UGHHHH!), we were getting ready to say goodnight and I couldn’t take it anymore.

Me: “Kris with a K, I think you should come over.”
Kris with a K: “Oh! Um, wow, well, I have rehearsal tomorrow.” He had gotten the lead in the Nutcracker.
Me: “I’ll set my alarm, You should really come over.” I cuddle up to him, getting real close.
Kris, putting his hands on my shoulders: “That is a really tempting offer Tara, but I have to pass, Rehearsal is early!”
Me: “Wait. Seriously? It’s been two months. We’ve been dating and you haven’t even really kissed me. Are you just not into me? Cause that is totally okay, but I just don’t want to waist both of our time if this isn’t going to go anywhere.”
Kris: “No! You are beautiful! I love hanging out with you! I just have to get up early!”
Me: “Okay, so when are we going to take this to the next level?”

I cringed at having to use the gross “grown up” lingo.

Kris: “Um…”
Me: “See?! I think you like hanging out with me, we’re both into dance, and you love having someone who gets that. I do too, but I also want to make out with you and maybe get naked if it goes well. See this? (Pointing to myself) THIS WANTS TO GET NAKED WITH YOU SOMEDAY. Are you sure you aren’t into dudes?”
Kris: “Ummm well, here is your bus, I’ll call you!”

Kris never called me. Which is fine, because I was over it. Again, I am all for taking things slow, but 6 dates was too far.

Flash Forward 6 months.

I’m walking home to my house in the lower haight after a REALLY long night of drinking. There are two cute guys holding hands walking about 15 feet in front of me. They are carrying groceries and talking about who was cooking what for dinner. They stopped to kiss each other and one did an amazing pirouette and I realized it was Kris with a K. HE WAS GAY! Before I could do anything about it, they fell into step with the world and disappeared.

Flash forward 5 years to Tuesday, aka yesterday.

I’m moving my shit from my bestie Jill’s house to my other bestie Alex’s house. Cause I’m still couch surfing until I move to Seattle on the 18th. I was moving all my millions of clothes into Alex’s house on Arguello when I hear, “Tara?”

I’m in ripped jeans, unshowered, glasses, and covered in piles of my clothes. I turn around and am face to face with Kris with a K.

Me: “OH! Um, Kris! With a K!”
Him: “You were the only one to call me that, lol.”
Me, awkward giggle: “Uh… How are you? I haven’t seen you since you wouldn’t kiss me about 5 years ago.”
Him: “Right, about that. I always wanted to call you and thank you really.”
Me: “Huh?”
Him: “That was the turning point for me. You called me out and I realized that I didn’t like women. I’m gay. I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years. We’ve just adopted a baby girl! I live about 6 blocks from here!”

Me, speechless.

Me: “Wow, amazing.”
Him: “Have you found someone? You look great by the way. I love the grunge/grandma look you have going on.”
Me: “No, single. Moving to Seattle because there is literally nothing left for me here.”
Him: “Well, good luck! Nice seeing you! Thanks again! You changed my life!”

That makes the 2nd “ex” I’ve run into in 2 weeks. #nevercompromiseongettingthehelloutofacity