The Architect Part 2 – Survived by Tara

WHO: The Architect turned Torah-Dad. To be explained later.

WHAT: Meet Cute! Real life!

WHEN: A few years ago.

Where: On the bus on my way to work.

Why: So if you’re just tuning in, I’ve drunkenly gone home with a 21 year old that I met on a bus (see The Architect post from last week). When I write it out like that, I realize what an awful life choice I made. We’re going to fast forward to the next morning.

THE DATE
I bolt upright in bed and realize I have no idea where I am. I look around and try to get my bearings. I suddenly remember with a doomed feeling that I just slept with a 21 year old. I also realllllly have to pee. I throw on the first thing I find on the floor, my shirt and undies. I tiptoe out the door and down the hall, quietly opening doors and cursing every time I find a closet. Finally I find the bathroom, pee, and talk myself down out of the hysteria that comes from sleeping with a guy born in the 90’s. I fix my hair and open the door, and run smack into someone.

Me: “Oh! Uh, sorry. I’m terribly clumsy early in the morning.”
Tall guy: “Uh sorry. Who are you?”
Me: “Oh! I’m Tara.” I pull my shirt down over my undies, suddenly realizing that I’m not all that covered.
Tall guy: “DUDE! ARE YOU BUS GIRL?!!!!”
Me: “Sorry?”
Tall guy: “YOU ARE TOTALLY BUS GIRL! You are way hotter than he described you.”
Me: “Oh, uh thanks? I’m gonna go… uh nice meeting you?”

I run back down the hall and the Architect is awake.

Me: “Oh, hi. I met your roommate.”
Him: “Oh fuck. He’s a total douche. I’m sorry. I’ll be right back.”

He leaves, I hear whispering, and Architect comes back in.

Me: “Well thanks for last night, I’m gonna go.”
Him: “You aren’t still being weird about the whole age thing are you?”
Me, totally being weirded out by the age thing: “Oh! No, over it. I just have to go to work.”
Him: “Let me take you out to dinner. How’s tomorrow? I’ll pick you up at your work.”

I look around his room and see Beatles records and framed pictures of faraway places. I decide that I need to ignore the age thing and say yes.

Me: “Okay. tomorrow.” I grab my things and bolt out the door.

I’m telling my coworker, Cantwell, about the Architect the next day as we’re closing the store. As he’ s yelling at me to stop stressing over the age thing and get over it, the Architect walks in. I introduce him to Cantwell and leave them to chat as I grab my stuff to lock up. I’m turning out the lights when I hear Cantwell shriek, “YOU’RE TORAHDAD69?!!! TARA!!!!! OH MY GOD COME HERE RIGHT NOW”

Cantwell: “Remember I was telling you about my roommate who got matched up with Torahdad69 on OKcupid? And how she messaged him because it was such a random name and she had to know why someone would pick it?! THIS IS HIM!!!! You’ve been the best inside joke between me and my friends for like months! So, Torahdad69, tell me why you picked the name.”
Architect turned Torahdad69: “Um, well I’m Jewish and my friends all think I act like a Dad and I just picked a random number. Tara, you wanna get going?”
Me: “Um… right. Cantwell, I’ll talk to you later.”
Cantwell: “I can’t wait to tell my roommate I met Torahdad69. This is the best story ever.”

We walk in silence on the way to the restaurant. I’m not sure how I’m feeling. I’m still weirded out by the age thing, and now that I know Cantwell is on the phone laughing with his roommate about him, I’m ashamed to admit that I’m totally over it. The whole situation. Gone is the hot guy that threw me against the wall in the bar. The only thing I see now is a 21 year old “dad” and I can’t imagine ever kissing him again.

We have dinner and I pay because I’m feeling bad that I’m about to tell this kid, I mean guy, that I’m not interested. I’m mustering up the courage to break it off gently when he says, “So, I did some research. I googled Alf and watched a few episodes of MacGyver. And I have to say, both are terribly shitty shows. There is no way Macgyver could have done any of that with a bobby pin. I call bullshit. And Alf?! What kind of creature is it? I don’t understand. I much prefer MacGruber.”

Oh hellllll no. No one insults Macgyver. Ever.

Me: “Well, this has been an educational few days. Happy belated birthday and please don’t call me again. This obviously isn’t going to work out. I have to go be anywhere other than here. Um, okay thanks bye.”

Flash forward to today in 2015. I’m walking to my car after brunch and I’m digging around my bag to find my keys. I drop my purse and my water bottle rolls out. It rolls down the street and gets picked up by a guy in a sweater vest, glasses, and messenger bag.

Me: “Oh thanks!” I reach for the bottle.
Him: “You’re welcome. Wait. Do I know you?”
Me, staring at him: “Ummmm maybe?”
Him: “Yeah, you look really familiar.”
Me: “Oh shit. SHIT. You’re Torahdad69!”
Him, sighing” That was a terrible online life choice I made. I remember you! Are you still into role playing?”
Me: “Sorry, no that wasn’t me. We met on a bus and went out after your 21st birthday.”
Him: “Hmm, really? That chick was a hot mad-men curvy brunette.”
Me: “Yeah, that was me.”
Him: “No, that woman had a huge ass. Don’t get me wrong, you’re cute, but I remember her butt.”
Me: “Right, that ass is still behind me. Hasn’t changed. I’m gonna go. Glad to see you grew the fuck up.”
Him: “Hey are you single?”

The Architect – Survived by Tara

Disclaimer: This is an OOOOOLLLLDDDD dating story, but I was in the Lower Haight today and ran into said ex-date. So enjoy.

Who: The Architect turned Torah-Dad, to be explained later.

What: Meet Cute! Real life!

When: About 3 years ago

Where: On the bus on my way to work.

Why: I was living in the lower Haight and usually walked to work. I was running late and decided last minute to hop on the bus to work. It was packed to the brim but a handsome guy stood up and offered me his seat.


THE DATE
We smiled, I sat down, and handsome guy stood over me. The bus lurched, he fell on top of me, and we laughed. Turns out he was an architect on his way to day two of his new job. He had a great smile and a friendly casualness that had me grinning ear to ear. We chatted for a few minutes, and he asked if I wanted to grab a drink that night after work. I was so shocked by his forwardness that I found myself giving him my number before I could think about it. My stop was next so I headed towards the front of the bus and ran right into a young woman in a wheel chair.

Me, mortified: “Oh my gosh! I am SO sorry, I wasn’t paying attention!:
Her: “Oh hunny, don’t even worry your pretty little head. I can see you were thinking about other things.” (she nods her head back towards the Architect.)
Me, blushing, turning to see if he noticed my total fail at a graceful exit: “Hahahaha, right? I’ll just exit out the back.”
Her: “GIRL it’s your lucky day. You can’t tell me you’ve never wanted to ride down the wheelchair ramp on a bus. Hop on!”
Me: “Ummm- uhhh, okay?!”

I stand behind her and the bus driver lowers us VERY slowly. I turn and look at Architect and wave. He’s laughing (at me?!) and yells, “Until tonight!”

I push my wheelchair friend onto the sidewalk.

Her: “Pretty fucking rad right? You meet a hot guy on a bus and you get a ride on the ever-so-exclusive wheelchair ramp. It’s your fucking lucky day! Go get ‘em tiger!”
Me: “Yeah! Youre right! It’s gonna be a good day!” We high five and I head to work.

He calls me an hour later. CALLS ME. I was so shocked I almost didn’t answer. We make plans to go to a bar in the lower Haight around 8pm. I find myself incredibly excited and call my sister.

Sister: “That sounds amazing, however did you forget we have plans tonight?”
Me: “What? Fuck. Right. You wanted to take me to Hog and Rocks. I forgot. Can we rain check?”
Sister: “NO. I was going to surprise you but I invited Jordan, that guy that I work with that I told you about? He’s short but super hot and you guys would totally hit it off.”

Now, in case anyone is keeping score, you will find that I have already written about Jordan (see blog post Jordan). This is in fact the same guy. 

Me: “Can’t I do both? I’ll come have a drink with you guys and then go off and meet the Architect.”
Sister: “Fine, but Jordan is amazing and he’s way better than a dude you met on Muni.”

I book it over to Hog and Rocks after work and Sister is there with an incredibly dapper and very handsome fedora-wearing guy sitting next to her. I’m taken aback. Maybe I should cancel Architect and stay? Jordan has a charming smile and I’m still waffling as he hops off his stool to hug me. He’s exactly my height with the hat on and I decide that since the Architect is taller, I’m going to stick to my original plan (never compromise). Sister introduces us and I jump right in on my meet cute date story so Jordan gets the hint that I’m ditching out. He buys a few rounds of drinks and I’m tipsy as I look at my phone to call a cab.

Jordan: “You should stay. This guy is going to turn out to be lame, I can feel it. Stay and have dinner with me.”
Me: “That is a very kind offer, but I’m not the kind of girl to bail on a guy last minute.”
Jordan: “You’re beautiful and charismatic. You deserve someone more exciting than an Architect.”
Me: “Well, my dapper friend, that is what dating is all about. Finding out. Exploring. Thanks for the drinks and I’m sure I’ll run into you later.”

Later that night Jordan got back together with his GF, moved in with her, and then 2 years later I fell into silly lust with that cocky bastard.

Okay, the date:
We met in front of the bar and he was as cute as I remembered. The bouncer looked at my ID and smiled. He grabbed Architect’s ID and looked at it, looked at the Architect, looked at me, then at the ID again.

Bouncer: “Yeah man! Get it! Congrats dude! Right on!”

Architect ushers me into the bar, grabs us a table, and orders beers. Reminder that I’m 3 very expensive cocktails in and my filter has disappeared.

Me: “Um, what was the bouncer saying to you?”
Him: “What? Oh nothing. It’s not a big deal.”
Me: “No really, what was that about?”
Him: “It was my birthday yesterday, so he was probably just wishing me a belated birthday.”
Me: “Oh! Happy birthday! Cheers!”

We chat for about an hour and I realize that I’ve had about 3 beers but neither of us has gotten up to go get any of them.

Me: “Wait. Are these magic beers? Where do they keep coming from?
Him: “Oh, well I was here last night for my birthday. It’s my favorite bar. The bartender knows what I like so he just keeps ‘em coming. I love having a local bar to go too.”
Me: “Fun! Was it a big birthday?”
Him: “Um, no, nothing out of the ordinary. Just some friends came out and we had some beers.”
Me: “What number did you celebrate? I’m turning 29 this year.”
Him: “Ummm do you want another beer?”
Me: “No, I’m good for now. I love birthdays! Did you have a cake? It’s not a real birthday unless you have a cake. I love cake.” (Can you tell I’m getting drunk?!) “Come on, tell me how old you are. I already told you my age.”
Him: “Um, well see, the thing is, I, uh, just turned 21.”
Me: “I’m sorry. I think I heard you wrong. Did you just say you were 21? Like born in the 1990’s and not able to drink until YESTERDAY?!”
Him: “Right, see this is why I didn’t tell you. I knew you would freak out. Look, I’m super mature for my age. And it’s just a number. You aren’t that much older than me!”
Me: “Do you know who Alf is?”
Him: “Sorry, who? Is that a friend of yours?”
Me: “Do you know what I mean when I say I’m MacGyvering up a plan?”
Him: “You mean MacGruber? Like from SNL?”
Me: “No. Like MacGyver. The TV Show.”
Him: “Um, you’re totally overreacting. This isn’t a big deal. We’re like 7 years apart.”

So I’m a little drunk and obviously making a bigger deal out of this than needed. But he doesn’t know who ALF AND MACGVYER ARE!

Me: “You don’t know who Alf and Macgyver are! You were probably raised on turkey bacon and prefer the “New Age” Ninja Turtles with the weird anime faces. I have to go. You are toooo young for me.  Wait. Does this also means that you are still in college?! ARE YOU AN INTERN?! DO YOU EVEN HAVE A REAL JOB?!”
Him: “Tara, you are screaming. Stop. Seriously, you are being ridiculous. I skipped a grade, so yes, I graduated college. I do have a real job. I have an apartment, and I’m rad. So shut up and deal with the age thing.”

At some point I had stood up and was going to walk out, but then he kissed me. Like realllllly kissed me. Like pushed up against a wall and kissed. It was hot and it totally shut me up.

Him: “So. Are we done with the age thing? Can we go back to my place?”
Me: “Totally. Done. Shutting up. Lets go.”

We leave the bar and the bouncer high fives him.

Him: “I live right around the corner….”

To be continued…