WHO: Human Phil. You might be thinking, “Aren’t all the guys you go on dates with humans, Sarah?” That point is actually debatable as I’m not totally sure they are all actually human beings, but you’ll find out why I have to specify that this guy was a human shortly.
WHAT: OKCupid date
WHEN: A few weeks ago
WHERE: The Hi-Life in Ballard, WA
WHY: Because of all the single. Sigh.
THE DATE
I first started talking to this guy on OKC like 5 months before we actually went on a date. To his credit, he continued to reach out to me every time I ghosted off the app. I had met Navy Guy (see previous blog post My Person) back in March and had an on and off thing with him for a few months. Every time Navy Guy ghosted me, I reluctantly re-downloaded all the stupid apps and started messaging people to keep myself from losing my shit.
So Human Phil was one of the guys I would randomly and sporadically message and he always replied. We didn’t have much deep conversation, but he seemed to have his shit together. His main profile photo didn’t really do anything for me, but some of the others seemed to be better photos and he seemed cute. His profile said he was 6’3” and since he kept responding after every disappearance I made, I kept him around in my message inbox.
So, shit finally ended with Navy Guy and ended badly. I hopped back on the dating train to keep myself from totally derailing emotionally, and Human Phil and I made a plan.
Now, the curious thing about online dating is that most of the apps don’t make you list your actual name. So unless you think about it ahead of time or they offer it up, you suddenly find yourself going on dates with people who you realize you don’t know how to address. Several times I’ve sent a text to someone like an hour before meeting them that says, “So this is really embarrassing but I just realized I don’t know what your name is.” Online dating is the worst.
So Human Phil’s name on OKC was c5run. I had no idea until morning of our date what this guy’s name was. I know it seems weird to not have asked, but it’s just something that slips your mind when all you’re doing is typing to people. They don’t even seem like real people anyway until you meet them. The morning of our date, he sends me a message asking if we are still on for that evening. He also mentions he never caught my name and says his is Phil.
This might seem shallow and lame, but I was immediately turned off. My cat is named Phil.
If you’ve never seen the show Modern Family, you’re really missing out. There is a character named Phil who I have long said I want to find a real-life version of to end up with. There’s an episode where Phil and his family go to a dude ranch and he dubs himself Buffalo Phil, which is what I named my cat. I’ve had said cat for about 4 years and was not looking forward to dating someone with the same name. That just feels creepy. That’s like a level of crazy cat lady you can’t recover from.
Human Phil lived downtown but said he loves Ballard and agreed to meet me in my neighborhood. I picked a restaurant that s inside an old firehouse and has a decent happy hour, and reluctantly drug myself onto the bus to go meet him there. I wasn’t really feeling excited and it was a Sunday evening and I was tired. Monday was coming and I had things I needed to get done.
Human Phil was much more attractive in person than in his photos, which rarely happens. We had decent conversation and hung out for over 2 hours. He was from Arizona and had moved here two years earlier. Bla bla bla. None of it was particularly memorable, but it wasn’t awful. It was mildly enjoyable.
At one point he told me about his dog and said, “I’m a really bad pet owner,” and I was immediately turned off. You should never be that and you should never tell someone that.
We had some appetizers and beers and he paid for everything which was a nice change. We exchanged phone numbers and made tentative plans for the following week. When we walked outside, he gave me a hug and kind of tilted side to side as he hugged me and said LOUDLY in my ear, “IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU SARAH!!”
After our first date I wasn’t totally sure I felt like dating this guy, but at least he wasn’t terrible. For our second date, he suggested a place in Fremont and I headed over there after yoga. I texted him to let him know I was running about 5 minutes late, but he didn’t respond. I walked as fast as my little long legs could carry me, and saw him getting off the bus about 30 seconds before I walked inside.
Yes, I was late. But at least I made the effort to let him know I was going to be late. He didn’t seem to feel that was necessary on his part. It rubbed me the wrong way for some reason. I should have taken it as an omen.
I had been basically sprint-walking for several minutes in the very hot sun, and the restaurant was really stuffy inside so the sweats came on. What a good look. It was extremely crowded for a Thursday night so we sat at the bar while we waited for a table. I was dying of thirst but Human Phil wouldn’t stop blathering on about one thing or another. After 20 minutes I was finally able to break in and say I was going to go order a beer. He looked miffed and stood off to the side so I could order.
I asked what he wanted, and Human Phil said, “Oh, nothing. I can wait until we get a table.”
Um, ok.
I asked if he wanted some water, and again Human Phil said, “No, I can wait until we get a table.”
I was growing more annoyed by the second.
We finally got a table and about 2 minutes after we sat down, someone announced that trivia would be starting in about 15 minutes. I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried to have a conversation while trivia is going on in the same room, but it’s near impossible. You just end up silently sitting there listening to the questions and whispering the answers to each other even though you aren’t playing.
So that’s what we did. We had lame conversation until trivia started, and then we listened to trivia until we left. Everything he said was annoying me. The things about him I’d found interesting on our first date had dissolved. We had discussed bus lines on our first date, going over in detail which routes and which stops are the worst. We somehow did this again on our second date. It wasn’t even an interesting conversation the first time around, so why it was being revisited again was beyond me.
I jokingly said, “We already talked about this last time. I guess we have nothing left to talk about.” But I was only 1% joking and 99% serious.
Once trivia started, I was relieved not to have to talk to him anymore. Which worked out well because he got far more annoying. Turns out he is a know-it-all who has to be right. Every question they asked he would tell me my answer was wrong and his was right and then whenever he was right he would point at me and say, “I told you.”
I find super competitive people to be a total turnoff. I am not competitive at all and losing at something doesn’t really bother me. There’s a lot more I couldn’t probably tell you about this guy, but what’s the point. So I mentally checked out and ate my food quicker so I could leave sooner.
We split the bill and headed outside. Someone must have been looking out for me, because his bus was pulling up right as we walked outside. He hugged me and I was like, “Go or you’ll miss your bus! Bye!” He ran across the street and I happily listened to a comedy podcast to help me get back to a non-annoyed place while waiting for my bus. He texted me half an hour later, “Got it!” I waited until the next day and wrote back, “Nice.” And we never spoke again.
I like cat Phil a lot better anyway.
Never Compromise on Tallness or Baby Hands 