Peter – Survived by Sarah

WHO: Peter

WHAT: OkCupid date

WHEN: July 17th, 2015

WHERE: Summit Public House, Capitol Hill WA

WHY: Because I had decided OkCupid was officially the least worst dating app. And this guy’s profile was pretty funny. And funny has never steered me wrong before…oh wait…

THE DATE
This guy had made plans with me two weeks ahead of time, which is some impressive dedication. I can barely plan what I’m having for dinner tonight, let alone plan to get a beer with someone in two weeks. But his profile was well-crafted and he seemed to be non-creepy. And luckily he checked in a couple days before said beer-getting to remind me.

I didn’t want to go, but I am one to keep my commitments. Even when I don’t feel like it. Like, at all.

I’d been on a wildly successful date two nights earlier, and I had plans the following week to see that guy again. So I didn’t feel like going on a first date I could already feel was going to suck. But I went anyway because I didn’t have anything better to do. I had been debating with my co-worker earlier in the day about this guy’s photos. Every single one looked like a completely different human being, so I was incredibly unsure of what he looked like.

I had my aunt and uncle’s car for a few days, so I fortunately got to drive myself to this weird place this Peter guy had picked. I ground my way through traffic and got there right on time. I texted him to let him know I was there, and he said he was “200 seconds” away. I liked that response and wrote back, “That’s accurate timing.” Maybe I would like him after all.

Wrong.

This guy strolls in and looks less than zero percent like any of his photos. One of his photos showed him as a surfer blonde who was sort of balding but looked really laid back, one showed him with a giant head of luscious jet black hair and super pale skin looking like a 12 year old, and so on. None of them prepared me for who walked in.

Peter’s profile said he was 32, but the person that walked up to me looked to be about 45. He looked like one of those 40 somethings who is trying to still keep a stranglehold on his youth but failing. He was wearing these big plastic glasses and I couldn’t tell if they were supposed to be hipstery, ironic, or just stupid. He had on a button-up shirt that was checkered, but all the checkers were clown colors like bright orange and red and yellow. It was overwhelming my retinas. And then this shirt was tucked into full-on dad jeans with a leather belt. Like the bad jeans Obama wore that time he threw that baseball pitch. And on his feet were hi-top Converse that were the ugliest color I have ever seen in my life. They were like baby diarrhea brown.

It was an intense ensemble.

He walked over to me and at first I sort of recoiled. Since he looked like none of his photos, I thought he was some rando coming over to talk to me. As I was getting ready to say I was meeting someone, he stuck his hand out and said really over-enthusiastically, “Hi, I’m Peter! Nice to meet you!”

Since his name and arrival time seemed to line up with who I thought I was meeting, I assumed this was the same person. I wanted to leave immediately, but I shook his hand and we walked over to the bar to get a drink
Peter: “Wow, you’re tall.”
Me: “Yep.”
Peter: “Like, really tall.”
Me: “Um, I know that.”

Silence.

Me: “Thanks?”
Him: “You’ve been working on that your whole life?”
Me: “Um, well I stopped growing in like 8th grade. So no.”

A word of advice to humans in general: don’t tell tall people they’re tall. They totally already know.

Peter plunked down his card for both our beers and told the bartender to open a tab. Poor guy, he really thought I would be staying for another drink. I thanked him and said he didn’t have to pay for me, but he insisted. Which was nice, I’ll give him that.

He was a nice person. He didn’t seem like a total creepy weirdo like some others I’ve met. He had a job, he seemed to have friends, and he definitely had a personality. But it was that third thing that I wasn’t too keen on.

He was friendly and outgoing, but in an almost abrasive way. To his credit, there wasn’t much awkward silence during our date. But all the talking wasn’t necessarily good.

Everything he told me was boring as fuck. And I don’t say that lightly.

He had written on his profile that his office allows dogs. There was a group of adorable dogs at the bar we were at, so I mentioned the office dogs. Peter then launched into a significantly long lecture about said dogs.

He told me the name of every dog that comes into his office.

He told me the names of every dog’s “mom and dad” who bring each dog to the office.

He told me THE WEEKLY SCHEDULE of every dog that comes in. What days, how long they stay, etc.

No, I am not joking.

He told me THE HYGIENE OF EVERY DOG that comes into his office.

And this was only like 10 minutes in.

He told me he had only been at his job for two months and that he had spent much of the week just doing math.

If there is one thing that can make a conversation totally thrilling when you first meet someone, it’s definitely going into detail about all the math you did that week.

I promise I’m not just being a judgemental wench, this guy was boring as shit. And it was a weird juxtaposition to how loud his shirt was and how exuberantly he talked. He even had a really animated face, sort of like a Wallace and Gromit claymation character. But unfortunately none of that could overcome the boring.

He was from Kansas. Spoiler alert: all his stories about Kansas were boring.

Largest ball of twine? Boring.

Super flat and nothing to do? Boring.

The Royals aren’t in Kansas? No one cares, except Paul Rudd. He loves the Royals.

Kansas is better than Missouri? Whatever. And is it? Is it really? They both sound boring.

I mentioned I had just seen Wicked and asked if there was any Wizard of Oz stuff in Kansas. He very seriously said, “The Wizard of Oz has NOTHING to do with Kansas.”

I calmly pointed out that, while I was aware it was likely not actually filmed in Kansas, every part of the movie that isn’t in Oz TAKES PLACE IN KANSAS. I told him that I meant is there any touristy Wizard of Oz stuff, because that seems like a thing they would have. He said no.

Fine. Whatever. I literally couldn’t care less.

I was barely able to contain myself every time he launched into a new topic. I kept rolling my eyes every time I took a sip of my beer and facepalming myself.

We briefly discussed how easy it is for people on the internet to get irate and rant about things and attack people because it’s anonymous. He informed me that he spends a lot of time doing that on board game forums.

Let that just settle into your brain for a hot second.

Yes, board game forums. He told me that’s what he spends most of his free time doing. He rants and raves at people on BOARD GAME FORUMS.

After a Liz Lemon-worthy eye roll, I asked him which games he is on forums for.

Him: “There are literally tens of thousands of board games.”
Me: “Ok, but which one? Like Monopoly?”
Him: “Yes, Monopoly is a board game.”
Me, stifling my raging hatred of him: “Yes, I know that. Which games do you go on forums about?”
Him: “I guess mostly math games.”

Oh, brother.

I’m so sorry if you thought this story was ever going to get interesting, because it doesn’t.

Him: “You know how you can play chess against a computer?”
Me: “Um, yes.”
Him: “Well there are other games you can play against a computer.”
Me: “….”
Him: “Well there’s this math game that performs at a level higher than the smartest human bla bla bla I can’t remember what else he actually said because I was too busy rolling my eyes.”
Me: “…cool?”
Him: “Bla bla math games etcetera. And one time I spent 3 hours playing checkers online against someone simply because we were in a stalemate and the other guy refused to forfeit so I did too.”
Me: *staring at a dog nearby*
Him: “Then I went and anonymously talked shit on him on the forums.”
Me: *I wonder if that dog has as involved a schedule as those office dogs.*
Him: “So that’s how I spend a lot of my free time.”

I kept yawning, and he still kept talking. At some point he went to the bathroom and I texted Tara, “OMG HELP HE IS SO FUCKING BORING.”

Our drinks had been empty for like 20 minutes and I hadn’t been able to make an exit. Finally there was a brief pause and I was able to say, “I hope this isn’t rude, but I’m really tired. I had a long day at work and have to get up early tomorrow, so I think I’m going to go. Sorry.”

He looked sort of surprised, which is shocking because I don’t know how he could have thought things were going well.

I said, “It was nice to meet you,” and gave him a hug because I’m too nice to tell him he bored me almost to tears and it really wasn’t that nice meeting him.
He said, “Well, you have my number so text me when you want to hang again.”

I nodded and walked away.

Two days later, after I’d blocked him on the app we met on and deleted his number from my phone, he texted me. I deleted it again because it was still boring. Sorry, guy.