Totally Cool Neck Tattoo Girl – A Tale of Failed Friendship Survived by Tara

In case you haven’t heard, I’ve moved to Seattle! I’m currently living on Sarah’s couch with her cat Phil and we take turns cooking each other dinner and lunch. Also, we rented the first season of The Secret World of Alex Mack from the library. We also rented Titanic and Baby Mama. Don’t judge. Since I’m in new town and can’t yet muster the motivation to download all the dating apps and get back on the bandwagon, I’ve decided to focus this week on making friends. I’ve got a newish job and it’s reminding me of the last time I had to make friends. Sometimes I hate myself. Ugh.

WHO: A super random chick

WHAT: A wannabe friend date

WHEN: 2013 North Carolina

WHERE: HEbrews Coffee House. Yes, that is actually what it was called. As in the big guy up above brews coffee. And here I thought I was going to get some good old fashioned bagel and lox and maybe a matzah ball soup with my morning cup of joe. Wrong.

WHY: My only friends were my bosses and I was getting desperate for a single female friend to hang out with.

THE ENCOUNTER
As I mentioned above, I lived in North Carolina. Mooresville, to be exact. It was about 1 hour from Charlotte where I had two wonderful guy friends. However, there was a little hole in my heart. I was missing my besties back West and was totally jonesing for a chick to talk to. You know. About girl stuff. And girl stuff. And more girl stuff. Some vampire stuff, and more girl stuff. Then some werewolf stuff, back to the vampires, and then more girl stuff.

I had yet to see anyone my age that remotely looked like someone I might want to have a conversation with. I was grabbing my usual, a tall Americano, when I noticed a girl in front of me with a neck tattoo. A normal looking neck tattoo. Not a cross, barbed wire, or tramp stamp-looking one, but a cool tree one.

And here’s where my inner monologue kicks in. I had been living alone and had totally started talking to myself.

HOLY SHIT, a normal girl! Be cool Tara. BE COOL.

Me: “Um, excuse me?”
Totally Cool Neck Tattoo Girl: “Yes?”
Me: “Cool tat.”

Seriously Tara? REALLY? Who says tat? You are covered in tattoos. Why would you ever say that? It’s tattoo. Always. 

TCNTG: “Oh? The tree? Hey thanks! Yeah, it’s my favorite!”
Me: “Cool. You come here often?”

OH MY GOD TARA. Really?! You have got to chill the fuck out. Be COOL.

Me: “I mean, I haven’t seen anyone young around here. You know, with like, tattoos.”

Brilliant Tara. Brilliant. You apparently have forgotten how to make friends. And speak english correctly.

TCNTG: “Umm, I mean, yeah, I come here kinda often. It’s the only decent coffee place around. Gotta get my fix!” To the barista, who was wearing a very sparkly I Love Jesus t-shirt: “I’ll have a double latte extra ice and one pump of sugar-free vanilla please.”
Me: “I just mean, I’ve never seen you here before. Like ever, and I come every single day. Sometimes 2 times a day. Every day.”

Just stop talking Tara. Walk away. Order your coffee, and leave. 

Barista: “Hey hun, your usual?”
Me: “Ummm I’ll have a double latte with extra ice and one pump of sugar-free vanilla.”
Barista: “So the same as her?”
Me: “Uh yes. Thanks.”

You hate lattes. Why are you getting a latte? Also, why did you order the exact same thing she did? You are the worst at making friends. Just get your coffee and leave. For reals. 

Barista: “You hate lattes, but fine. Coming right up.”
TCNTG: “Weird, we ordered the same thing,” she said, taking a step back.

I took a step towards her.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CREEPY!!!!?????

Me: “Oh, I just thought it sounded good. So you come here alot? We should totally hang out. You have tats, I have tats.”

TCNTG gives me a strange look.

Me: “Like, as friends. We should hang out as friends. We drink the same coffee and we both have tats!”

OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL GOOD THINGS IN LIFE STOP RAMBLING TARA. You aren’t going to win this one. Just stop!!!!

She grabs her coffee.

TCNTG: “Um, uhhh I dunno, I uhh…”
Me: “Oh, I’m totally not coming on to you. This is definitely not a pick up line. I don’t like girls. I mean, I don’t like girls like that. I mean, I like girls, but as friends. I don’t like girls in the sexy way. I mean that’s what we should be first. I mean only friends. Not sexy way. We should only be friends. I LIKE PENISES!”

The entire coffee shop quiets. She takes a step back. TCNTG looks around, grabs her coffee, and RUNS out the door.

Me: “Wait! I like men! I just want to be your friend!”

Jordan – Survived by Tara, but would have been easier to survive if she had Bacon

WHO: Jordan

WHAT: Real Life. He used to work with my sister at a stupidly yummy restaurant.

WHEN: Off and on 2013

WHERE: East Bay

WHY: His job involved food. As you all know, I love to eat. He was intense, funny, smart, and my sister liked him. He was not tall and had a girlfriend. I am aware of how this sounds. However, we started off as friends. Grabbed food every once in awhile, saw a show, all very plutonic. One night it went further and I put the kibosh on it. I told him if he wanted to “date” me, he needed to be single. Like really single. I was moving to North Carolina the next month and wasn’t about to get involved in his drama. I said goodbye, packed my car, and headed East.

THE STORY
About two months later I get a phone call from him.

Jordan: “Man, I miss you. You’re all I think about. Things just don’t seem the same without you around.”
Me: “Don’t want to hear any of this unless you’ve figured out your shit with the lady.”
Jordan: “That’s why I’m calling. We broke it off. Turns out she’s been sleeping with a girl and has decided she’s a lesbian. We’re done. I want to come see you.”
Me: “Ouch. Well, I live in North Carolina. So unless you want to come visit, then that’s not happening.”
Him: “When could I come?”
Me: “This is my schedule. I’ll believe it when I see it.”

We hang up, and I immediately get a call from my sister.

Sister: “TARA. YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THE STORY I HAVE FOR YOU! OH MY GOD!”
Me: “Oh really?”
Sister: “JORDAN’S GIRLFRIEND IS A LESBIAN AND HAS BEEN CHEATING ON HIM FOR LIKE MONTHS WITH A GIRL! THEY ARE BREAKING UP! AGHHHH! If only you hadn’t moved, you guys could like totally date. Talk about terrible timing.”
Me, playing dumb because NO ONE knew we were “hanging out”: “Yeah, uh, that’s a bummer.”

Thirty  minutes later I get an email from Jordan. He’s booked a flight to North Carolina and will be here in a week. Cue internal screaming. I had been dating on OKCupid and had had ZERO luck. (Please read about the Accountant or Cobra for proof.) Having a few days with Jordan, someone I actually liked, was going to be new territory.

I picked him up from the airport and long story short, we didn’t leave my house for 3 days. He told me all the things girls want to hear and I ignored the fact that he had JUST broken up with his girlfriend. We made plans to keep things casual and he said he would come back and visit again. So on this went for about 7 months: taking turns, visiting, never leaving rooms, cooking and eating. It was lovely.

By now Sister knew we were “visiting” each other. She loved that Jordan was pushing for me to move home, and we were on the verge of getting serious. I lived 3,000 miles away. I missed my family, my friends, and moving back West seemed like a great idea.

He met me in North Carolina in December, and we drove across the country together.

Sounds great, right? Well, in hindsight, the following occurrences should have been red flags:

1. I picked him up in some small ass snowy town at a Casino where he left me at the bar to drink while he played poker for 3 hours.
2. His parents refused to remember my name.
3. He didn’t want to stop at any of the fun in Middle America, largest ball of yarn or biggest piece of pie kinda places.
4. He spent Christmas with my family and not a soul liked him. My mom reused my ex-boyfriend Steve’s stocking, placing a piece of paper over Steve’s name she had quickly written Jordan on.

He did, however, get me a membership to a Bacon of the Month Club.

I had been planning on staying with my sister while I looked for a job and a home. But Jordan was greatly opposed to this. He was adamant that I stayed with him.

Me: “Jordan. This is a terrible idea. We have never spent more than 72 hours together and you want me to move in with you? Nope, staying with sister.”
Him: “Tara. I want you to be around, and I want this to work. I see babies and marriage and a future and I don’t want to waste time not being around each other.”
Me: “This is an awful idea.”
Him: “It’s not, it’s perfect. I love you.” (As I’m writing this, I am kicking 2013 Tara in the ass for believing this lame schpeel.)

So I move in with him temporarily. He’s working lots, I’m looking for jobs lots, and we don’t see each other often. New Year’s eve rolls up and he’s got to work. We make plans to meet up after the restaurant closes around 1am. I head over to hang with my bestie Kelly and wait for Jordan to get off of work.

12am. Text message from Jordan – Happy New years! I’ll call you when I get off! Love you!

12:30am. I’m exhausted, so I head home to wait for Jordan.

1am. Nothing.

2am. Nothing. I text him: Hey! wondering what the plan is. Let me know!

2:30. Nothing.

3am. Nothing. I text him: Okay, going to bed. I call him too, leave the same message.

I wake up around 7am roll over and the bed is still empty. I check my phone. Nothing.

7:04am. I text him: J, where the hell are you? Are you alive? Everything okay?

8am. Nothing.

9am. Nothing, and I’m totally freaking out. What if he’s lying on the side of the road somewhere? WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?! I’m pacing around the house, cleaning and organizing, getting madder by the second.

10:30am. I text him: I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALIVE.

11am. Text from him: On my way home.

I wait outside for him, sitting on the stoop. Marinating in my madness. His car rolls up, and he stumbles out. Pants inside out, tie askew, and looking like a hot fucking mess.

Me: “Holy shit Jordan, where have you been?!”
Him: “Things just got kinda crazy and we started drinking and then bar hopped and then you know, it was New Years.”
Me: “I couldn’t care less where you were. I was just up all night, freaking out since we had plans, and you didn’t get back to me. I just wanted to know you were alive. I am livid. NO ONE deserves to stay up all night freaking out over their “boyfriend.” Also, have the common courtesy to at least call me and say, “Plans changed, sorry, won’t be able to hang out.” That’s all you had to do.”
Him, after some silence: “Can we just talk about this later? I’m in no mood for a lecture right now.”
Me: “A FUCKING LECTURE?! Oh hell no. We are talking about this now. You say you love me, but this isn’t the way someone who loves someone treats them. Also, where did you sleep?”
Him: “It just got late, sorry.”
Me: “Where did you sleep, Jordan?”
Him: “I said sorry. Just drop it.”
Me: “I’m serious, J. Where did you sleep?”

Silence. Doesn’t even make eye contact with me.

Me: “WHERE DID YOU SLEEP?”
Him: “On a couch. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s not like you and I are serious or anything.”
Me: “YOU ASKED ME TO MOVE IN WITH YOU! I’ve got keys and you want me to have your babies! I call that pretty serious.”
Him: “Whatever, I’m not dealing with this. You are totally blowing this out of proportion.”
Me: “Well I’m grabbing my stuff and leaving. Fuck you. MAIL ME MY GOD DAMN BACON, FUCKER.”

I later found out that he had been “dating” a girl who paints her eyebrows on WHILE I LIVED WITH HIM. I sure know how to pick them. Guh.

Also, I never got my bacon.