Beet Salad – Survived by Ian (Guest Post!)

From Tara: So this week I couldn’t get around to dating. I just couldn’t. My friend Ian is in town and we’re on our way to biscuits and gravy when I get a text from Sarah asking where my date post was. I became frantic, but Ian came to the rescue. As a long-time reader, he was excited to become a first-time poster. Ian is amazing. He’s the bestie to my bestie Alex, and is in Seattle for the next month. We’ve been adventuring around and when he told me this story, I knew it had to be unleashed. I’ll get back to my awful dates next week, I promise! Also for the record, Ian is dictating.

WHO: Brunhilda- names have been changed. Duh. Who would actually name their kid Brunhilda. Note: The name Brunhilda originates from Tetuonic battle maiden. Ian insists people will find this fascinating.
(Editor’s note from Sarah: In a crazy coincidence, my boyfriend and I watched Django Unchained last night, which happens to have a character named Brunhilda. Apparently Ian and I are on the same wavelength.)

WHAT: OkCupid.

WHEN: Sometime in 2013. Ian had taken a hiatus from working out at sea on high-end luxury cruise ships that attract a clientele rarely under the age of 65.

WHERE: San Francisco. The plan was dinner and drinks.

WHY: Having never actually lived in a city, he decided to dive into the online dating world. See what I did there? Dive head first? Ian works on a boat? Har har har.
THE DATE
After a few pep talks from encouraging city-savvy female roommates, Ian headed out to meet his very first online date. He was nervous, excited, and mostly curious to see how dating worked on land. For the last almost 10 years he’d only been in college dorms,  on boats, or traveling where romance consisted of flirting with someone until the point that they sneak into your bunk on a lonely night.

He saw Brunhilda waiting outside the restaurant. Pleasantly surprised that she looked like her picture, she gave him an easy smile, a hug, and no weirdness. They grabbed a table and he realized that this could be just like in the movies. He was excited! What could go wrong?

Brunhilda: “So this is really your first time dating? Like ever?”
Ian: “Prrrrrretttty much. I travel so much for work and I’m never in one place, so that makes it hard.”
Brunhilda: “And you decided to try out SF?”
Ian: “Yeah, I heard the rent is really cheap here. Thought this would be a good place to start.”(Editor’s note from Tara: I HATE 2013 IAN. CHEAP RENT??!!)
Brunhilda: “This is your first time paying rent?!”
Ian: “Yeah!”
Brunhilda: “That’s kinda like losing your virginity to a 12 inch cock…”
Ian: “… that is certainly one way to put it. I guess it’s a good thing then that I’m sharing the rent with two roommates?”

By this time he was liking her. Their profiles shared similar interests about travel, and her profile was heavy on exploring and adventure aspects. Her apparent shared enthusiasm about these things was why he had asked her out.

Brunhilda: “So you’ve been all over the world?”
Ian: “I’ve been really lucky, working on ships is a great way to get paid to see some amazing places I’d never be able to go to otherwise, like Antarctica or tropical islands in the middle of the Pacific.”
Brunhilda: “Wow! That’s so cool! Did you see polar bears in Antarctica?!”
Ian: “Haha I think you have the north and south pole confused. Where was the last place you traveled?”
Brunhilda: “Sonoma.”
Ian: “Oh! So like an hour away?”
Brunhilda: “That was a few months ago.”
Ian: “But where have you been recently, you know, further afield?”
Brunhilda: “I went to Mexico three years ago.”
Ian: “Oh. So you don’t travel that much then?”
Brunhilda: “No, I really like staying put here in San Francisco.”

Ian’s thought process at this moment: ‘So, this is my first date. Is it normal that her profile isn’t matching up? Let’s let this one slide for now.’

Ian: “So how long have you been in SF?”
Brunhilda: “About seven years, I came here right after college.”
Ian: “Wow, so did you graduate really early?”

Sidebar: Her profile she said she was 25.

Brunhilda: “Nope! Just normal graduation age!”
Ian: “So, 22?”
Brunhilda: “Yep!”
Ian: “And you’ve been in SF for 7 years?”
Brunhilda: “Oh.”
Ian: “Yeah, I’m a mathematical prodigy.”

Waiter arrives, saving the day from more awkwardness.

Turns out Brunhilda is a vegetarian and can’t decide between the special and a salad. Diplomatic and hungry, Ian offers to split a salad so she can have her cake and eat it too.

Brunhilda: “Any dietary constraints?”
Ian: “I will eat pretty much anything except for beets.”
Brunhilda: “Really? That’s so random.”
Ian: “I grew up in Australia and they use them in burgers instead of tomaaaaaatoes.”
Brunhilda: “Hahahaha! You say tomaaaatoes!”
Waiter: “Have we decided?”

Brunhilda quickly scans the salad menu and says, “We’ll have the beet salad.”

Ian: ……..

Waiter leaves.

Brunhilda: “OHHHHH, whoops!”
Ian: “Yeah.”
Brunhilda: “I just can’t believe someone wouldn’t like beets!”
Ian: “I’m sure I can eat around them.”

Their food comes out a little later, and it’s an entire plate of JUST beets. They have an awkward moment of realization resulting in shared laughter. So, despite a few red flags, Ian was actually having a good time and feeling like a real human. He was definitely confidant that Brunhilda was NOT his soulmate, but still the company was good and he couldn’t wait to report back to the roomies about the dating world, which he was now totally apart of.

Ian: “This was really fun!”
Brunhilda: “Yeah! We should meet again, I know this great beet place!”
Ian: “Hahahahaha, that sounds perfect.”
Brunhilda: “So, I wasn’t going to say anything, but I’m having a really good time too.”
Ian: “I’m glad its mutual!”
Brunhilda: “Yeah. The thing is, I haven’t been entirely open.”
Ian: “Oh yeah?”
Brunhilda: “Yeah. The thing is I actually, umm, am married.
Ian: “WOW. I definitely missed that on the singles dating profile.”
Brunhilda: “Hahahaha. Well, my husband knows I’m here and in fact, if you were open to it, he’s back at our place and we would be happy to have you over.”
Ian: “Remember that one time when I told you this was my first time dating? That seems like a pretty big first step.”
Brunhilda, slyly winking:  “You’re already doing it with the rent. And at least it’s not 12 inches…..”

Annnnnnnnnnd scene.