Henry – Survived by Sarah

WHO: Henry, the tall, cute, single, high school English teacher
WHAT: OkCupid date
WHEN: End of 2014 or early 2015. Who can remember after all these bad dates?
WHERE: Seattle, WA
WHY: Because for a tall girl who has two English degrees and went to school to be a teacher, how many tall, cute, single English teachers are there really out there? The answer is one, and it was this guy.

Superstar – Survived by Sarah

What follows is the first chapter of a two-parter story. Though the navy guy referenced in the story and I are no longer together, this is a story of hope for all those struggling singles out there. Or maybe just for myself, who knows. So enjoy. It’s not all bad out there. I mean, the guy in this first part of the story is lame but next week’s, he’s the beacon of hope.

WHO: We can call him Superstar, even though he isn’t one

WHAT: My first Hinge date

WHEN: Friday the 13th, 2015

WHERE: A cool bar in downtown Ballard, my neighborhood in Seattle. The guy said he frequented it often, they had an outdoor seating area, and shuffleboard. So far the only good online date I had been on involved shuffleboard, so I agreed to meet him at said bar in the hopes that shuffleboard was my lucky dating sport.

WHY: Because I was sad this Navy guy I was supposed to have a date with that night cancelled morning of. I couldn’t face another Friday night alone with my cat eating ice cream and watching Netflix in a still pretty unfamiliar city where I don’t know that many people, so I agreed to a date with the first replacement I could find for the night.

THE DATE
To some people Friday the 13th is unlucky, but not really in my family. One of my uncles who is really great was born on Friday the 13th, so I’ve always thought of the day fondly. However, this Friday didn’t seem to be going my way. I had a date scheduled with this Navy guy I was pretty excited about. We’d been messaging and texting back and forth for a couple weeks and he was so witty and so cute and SO TALL, so I was so very excited for our date. He’d asked me if it would be to ok for him to see a photo of my cat Buffalo Phil which goes a long way in my book, and he and I had been making some plans to “take over the world.”

Plenty of Fish has suggested him to me. He was in the Navy which isn’t usually my thing, but he was too intriguing to care. And the uniform actually worked for me when it was him wearing it. Unfortunately the morning of our date, the dreaded Friday the 13th, he had to cancel because some idiot on his ship got a DUI. He was the ranking officer (helloooooo) and so he had to stay in to “deal with the guy.” Luckily for me, I had a slow day at work and was able to “hook another fish” for the night.

See what I did there?

Anyway, this Hinge guy was tall I guess. He picked a cool bar in my neighborhood that I hadn’t been to, and because I got there a little early I waited outside for him. This guy seemed funny I guess. He was a runner, one of those overachieving multiple marathon types, and he had a shaved head which I’m assuming was by choice and not genetics. We were about the same age and he liked to do outdoorsy stuff, which 99% of people who online date write on their profiles. But he was available Friday night when I needed to not be dateless so I agreed to meet him.

As I waited outside the bar, I saw someone walk by who I thought was him. He went right by me without saying hello and went inside, so I assumed my memory of his photo was wrong. Since he was already 5 minutes late, I texted him to let him know I was outside. I’d peeked in the bar when I arrived earlier and hadn’t seen anyone sitting solo so I knew he wasn’t in there. He responded with, “I’ve been sitting at the end of the bar waiting.”

Sigh. This was off to a great start.

I went inside and saw him, the very guy who made eye contact with me outside and walked right past me. I rolled my eyes and walked over to him. He already had a beer sitting in front of him that he’d finished half of.

I said, “Hey, I’m Sarah. You must have walked right past me, I was waiting out front.” He shook my hand like this was a business deal and told me his name, which I pretty immediately forgot. But he had a slight accent I found intriguing. I’m a sucker for accents.

Superstar leaned over the bar and said to the bartender, “Hey can we get the stuff for shuffleboard?” He then looked over his shoulder at me as he was walking away towards the shuffleboard table and said, “You probably want a beer.”

Now, this is the type of dude I’m used to dating. Withholding, inconsiderate, doesn’t consult me on decisions, leaves me standing by myself with no warning. So I became immediately attracted even though I was pretty sure I didn’t like him. I’m still learning.

I ordered a beer standing at the bar by myself, then took it over to the shuffleboard table. He had set the pucks down and asked me who should go first. I guess we were getting right down to business, no getting to know each other evidently necessary.

He was infinitely better than me and beat me 21 to 8. I thought maybe we’d stop and chat, but no. No time for that. We started another game. I’m don’t even remember what he did for work. Our conversation was like a boring job interview neither of you really want.

During the three games we played I learned he was from one of the Dakotas, can’t remember which. Every time he said Dakota he had that adorable Fargo accent and I pictured myself become Frances McDermot living out there in a giant puffy coat. I guess this guy could come too.

After our third game, we both were out of beer and I knew this wouldn’t go anywhere. But I powered through because I am me.

I said, “Should we sit and chat?”
He looked at me confused and said, “What?”
I said, “Do you want to sit for a bit?”
He looked at me annoyed and said, “Ok. I guess”

We both got another beer, same deal as last time. He ordered first and then left to go sit down while I stood there alone and ordered mine. No offer to pay, no chit chat, no nothing.

I don’t really remember what we covered as we talked, but who really cares. I hadn’t had dinner so a few sips into my second beer I started to feel slightly less repulsed by the full beard that accompanied his completely bald head. That’s not a good look, but beer goggles.

Suddenly, he stood up and said “We should go.” I had a few sips of my beer left and I said, “Can I finish this first?” He scowled.

We walked outside and to the corner where the light was red. While keeping his hands in his pockets he said, “Well, bye Superstar” and turned his back to me.

I didn’t respond with a parting greeting of my own. We’d spent two hours together and I felt totally insulted that this idiot I wasn’t into wasn’t into me. Tipsy Sarah took it incredibly personally and I texted Tara this as I walked away:

I guess the beer goggles were stronger than I thought. The flirting was likely only on my part because he was being fairly standoffish, which usually for me means I like him more. Also, as I mentioned before, sober Sarah would not find this person attractive. Drunk desperate Sarah changed her tune a bit.

And for the record, I did not buy Doritos. How strong am I?!

I did however go home and eat Hagan Daaz rocky road straight from the carton with my cat nearby as we watched The Unbreakable Kimmy Schhmidt. I wanted so badly to feel like I was Unbreakable, but I was breaking at all my seams. Later that evening as I was flossing the almonds out of my teeth and feeling sorry for myself, I popped a crown off one of my molars.

Friday the 13th finally got to me. I was reaching the end of my rope. But then, Sunday the 15th happened…..

Stay turned for the thrilling conclusion next week!