Beet Salad – Survived by Ian (Guest Post!)

From Tara: So this week I couldn’t get around to dating. I just couldn’t. My friend Ian is in town and we’re on our way to biscuits and gravy when I get a text from Sarah asking where my date post was. I became frantic, but Ian came to the rescue. As a long-time reader, he was excited to become a first-time poster. Ian is amazing. He’s the bestie to my bestie Alex, and is in Seattle for the next month. We’ve been adventuring around and when he told me this story, I knew it had to be unleashed. I’ll get back to my awful dates next week, I promise! Also for the record, Ian is dictating.

WHO: Brunhilda- names have been changed. Duh. Who would actually name their kid Brunhilda. Note: The name Brunhilda originates from Tetuonic battle maiden. Ian insists people will find this fascinating.
(Editor’s note from Sarah: In a crazy coincidence, my boyfriend and I watched Django Unchained last night, which happens to have a character named Brunhilda. Apparently Ian and I are on the same wavelength.)

WHAT: OkCupid.

WHEN: Sometime in 2013. Ian had taken a hiatus from working out at sea on high-end luxury cruise ships that attract a clientele rarely under the age of 65.

WHERE: San Francisco. The plan was dinner and drinks.

WHY: Having never actually lived in a city, he decided to dive into the online dating world. See what I did there? Dive head first? Ian works on a boat? Har har har.
THE DATE
After a few pep talks from encouraging city-savvy female roommates, Ian headed out to meet his very first online date. He was nervous, excited, and mostly curious to see how dating worked on land. For the last almost 10 years he’d only been in college dorms,  on boats, or traveling where romance consisted of flirting with someone until the point that they sneak into your bunk on a lonely night.

He saw Brunhilda waiting outside the restaurant. Pleasantly surprised that she looked like her picture, she gave him an easy smile, a hug, and no weirdness. They grabbed a table and he realized that this could be just like in the movies. He was excited! What could go wrong?

Brunhilda: “So this is really your first time dating? Like ever?”
Ian: “Prrrrrretttty much. I travel so much for work and I’m never in one place, so that makes it hard.”
Brunhilda: “And you decided to try out SF?”
Ian: “Yeah, I heard the rent is really cheap here. Thought this would be a good place to start.”(Editor’s note from Tara: I HATE 2013 IAN. CHEAP RENT??!!)
Brunhilda: “This is your first time paying rent?!”
Ian: “Yeah!”
Brunhilda: “That’s kinda like losing your virginity to a 12 inch cock…”
Ian: “… that is certainly one way to put it. I guess it’s a good thing then that I’m sharing the rent with two roommates?”

By this time he was liking her. Their profiles shared similar interests about travel, and her profile was heavy on exploring and adventure aspects. Her apparent shared enthusiasm about these things was why he had asked her out.

Brunhilda: “So you’ve been all over the world?”
Ian: “I’ve been really lucky, working on ships is a great way to get paid to see some amazing places I’d never be able to go to otherwise, like Antarctica or tropical islands in the middle of the Pacific.”
Brunhilda: “Wow! That’s so cool! Did you see polar bears in Antarctica?!”
Ian: “Haha I think you have the north and south pole confused. Where was the last place you traveled?”
Brunhilda: “Sonoma.”
Ian: “Oh! So like an hour away?”
Brunhilda: “That was a few months ago.”
Ian: “But where have you been recently, you know, further afield?”
Brunhilda: “I went to Mexico three years ago.”
Ian: “Oh. So you don’t travel that much then?”
Brunhilda: “No, I really like staying put here in San Francisco.”

Ian’s thought process at this moment: ‘So, this is my first date. Is it normal that her profile isn’t matching up? Let’s let this one slide for now.’

Ian: “So how long have you been in SF?”
Brunhilda: “About seven years, I came here right after college.”
Ian: “Wow, so did you graduate really early?”

Sidebar: Her profile she said she was 25.

Brunhilda: “Nope! Just normal graduation age!”
Ian: “So, 22?”
Brunhilda: “Yep!”
Ian: “And you’ve been in SF for 7 years?”
Brunhilda: “Oh.”
Ian: “Yeah, I’m a mathematical prodigy.”

Waiter arrives, saving the day from more awkwardness.

Turns out Brunhilda is a vegetarian and can’t decide between the special and a salad. Diplomatic and hungry, Ian offers to split a salad so she can have her cake and eat it too.

Brunhilda: “Any dietary constraints?”
Ian: “I will eat pretty much anything except for beets.”
Brunhilda: “Really? That’s so random.”
Ian: “I grew up in Australia and they use them in burgers instead of tomaaaaaatoes.”
Brunhilda: “Hahahaha! You say tomaaaatoes!”
Waiter: “Have we decided?”

Brunhilda quickly scans the salad menu and says, “We’ll have the beet salad.”

Ian: ……..

Waiter leaves.

Brunhilda: “OHHHHH, whoops!”
Ian: “Yeah.”
Brunhilda: “I just can’t believe someone wouldn’t like beets!”
Ian: “I’m sure I can eat around them.”

Their food comes out a little later, and it’s an entire plate of JUST beets. They have an awkward moment of realization resulting in shared laughter. So, despite a few red flags, Ian was actually having a good time and feeling like a real human. He was definitely confidant that Brunhilda was NOT his soulmate, but still the company was good and he couldn’t wait to report back to the roomies about the dating world, which he was now totally apart of.

Ian: “This was really fun!”
Brunhilda: “Yeah! We should meet again, I know this great beet place!”
Ian: “Hahahahaha, that sounds perfect.”
Brunhilda: “So, I wasn’t going to say anything, but I’m having a really good time too.”
Ian: “I’m glad its mutual!”
Brunhilda: “Yeah. The thing is, I haven’t been entirely open.”
Ian: “Oh yeah?”
Brunhilda: “Yeah. The thing is I actually, umm, am married.
Ian: “WOW. I definitely missed that on the singles dating profile.”
Brunhilda: “Hahahaha. Well, my husband knows I’m here and in fact, if you were open to it, he’s back at our place and we would be happy to have you over.”
Ian: “Remember that one time when I told you this was my first time dating? That seems like a pretty big first step.”
Brunhilda, slyly winking:  “You’re already doing it with the rent. And at least it’s not 12 inches…..”

Annnnnnnnnnd scene.

China Steve – Survived by Sarah

WHO: His screen name was China Steve because he had gone on a work trip to China and in the middle of his trip had written his POF profile. It seems like there might be way cooler things to do in your downtime in China, but maybe that’s just me. You should also maybe not include this information in your dating profile, but again maybe that’s just me. Maybe some girls like boring oversharers with no life. 

WHAT: Another gem from Plenty of Fish, and my first date since officially splitting for the last and final time from my ex whom I also met on POF.

WHEN: Two days ago (June 23, 2015)

WHERE: We both lived in the same neighborhood and he suggested a bar I hadn’t been to that supposedly had good beer and food.

WHY: Because breakup, heartache, desperation not to return to singlehood, bla bla bla.

THE DATE
The thought of dating again made me physically ill. It had only been a week since my breakup and I wasn’t by any means over it. I had zero closure as he had basically fallen off the face of the earth after pledging his undying love to me. But I know my mental limits fortunately and I know when I’m about to start emotionally spiraling. So to avoid coming unglued I plowed ahead and reluctantly downloaded all the dating apps again.

If ignorance is bliss then denial must be the best medicine…right?

I was not excited to go on this date. But I was excited to try a new place in my neighborhood as I don’t go out that often these days. Over the previous two months I had flown to CA five times for various wedding events, so I was slightly strapped for cash. I made a quick dinner at home after yoga and then headed out to meet China Steve.

Pro online dating tip: When you are only committed to a drink, it’s easier to leave faster. It also saves you money.

The bar was in a lovely tree-shaded section of Old Ballard. The weather had been unreasonably hot for Seattle, but under the shade of the trees it was actually nice. I got to the bar and saw they had all the windows open and it looked like a breezy, hip little place.

Well, I was wrong.

I walked inside and was hit with a stifling wall of dead hot air. The place was stagnant and I should have taken that as a bad omen of what was to come.

The guy was…an engineer. I’m not sure how else to describe him. He didn’t quite know how to dress, he had uncomfortably terrible social skills, and his teeth were terrible. He wasn’t even close to looking like his photos. The cherry on top was the coin he was wearing on a lanyard around his neck.

Before everyone gets all up in arms, I know there are some well-adjusted normal engineers. Some of them are even my friends. But let’s face it, all of the engineers who are on dating apps are not the ones worth dating.

This guy didn’t know how to engage in conversation, he only knew how to answer questions. He gave me nothing back. It’s exhausting to do all the interviewing on your own, and at some point I just gave up. Whenever things got silent and uncomfortable, I just started riding it out. Waiting. And so did he. What a bore.

He had just come back from a month long work trip to China and I asked him about it. He told me he’s been there twice and is really well travelled.

Me: “I love traveling. Where else have you been?”
Him: “Nowhere else outside the U.S., just China twice.”
Me: “Oh…did you get to go anywhere else while you were over there?”
Him: “No, I usually just went to the office and hung around my hotel on my off-time.”
Me: “Oh…”

He mentioned that he goes on road trips with his friends a lot.

Me: “Oh cool, where do you guys go?”
Him: “Well, I really want to go to Yellowstone and Yosemite and all the national parks. But I always just go where everyone else is already going, so we’ve gone to the same place in WA three years in a row.”
Me: “Oh…”

I drained my beer fairly quickly in the gross sticky air of the bar that rivaled the heat outside. Washington people don’t know how to deal with any weather outside of a 10 degree bracket from 65 to 75 degrees. Snow plows and air conditioners don’t exist here.

He sure seemed to be taking his sweet time finishing his beer.

The waitress came over and asked if we wanted another drink. I did not.

China Steve did not take the hint, and took his sweet time perusing the extensive beer list. Then he finally just ordered what I had had.

It was agony waiting for him to finish that beer. I got up and went to the bathroom just for something to do, and when I came back it almost seemed like he had more beer in his cup than when I left.

At some point we talked about Adam Scott. I mentioned I really enjoy him and that a friend I went to elementary school with just wrote a movie Adam Scott starred in. (Shameless plug: Everyone go see The Overnight)

As soon as that last sip hit his lips, I stood up impatiently. We walked outside and I hugged him briefly. I mentioned the requisite “let’s totally do this again” thing and walked off.

He texted me the next morning and said, “Adam Scott did a Reddit AMA last night. It was the perfect opportunity for you to ask him all your nerdy fan questions.”

Having no idea what Reddit is and zero desire to speak to him again, I sighed and deleted him from from my phone.

But I still really like Adam Scott. It’s too bad he’s not taller. Or married. Or someone I will ever probably actually meet due to my crippling inability to ever play it cool around famous people. Oh well.