The Volume Guy – Survived by Sarah

WHO: The Volume Guy

WHAT: Not one, but two random street encounters. It turns out Seattle is a weirdly small place.

WHEN: Summer 2015

WHERE: On the street in Fremont WA

WHY: It remains unclear. This guy either REALLY likes me or has some sort of weird sweat fetish.

THE ENCOUNTERS
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m super awkward and bad at stuff. Specifically, I’m really awkward and bad at stuff with boys. So it probably goes without saying that I don’t get approached by guys when I’m out at restaurants or bars and definitely never on the street. I don’t have a life that resembles a Rom Com where boys are always turning their heads and asking for my phone number. And due to my extreme awkwardness and mild shyness, I don’t approach boys either. This is why I’ve had to online date.

I have had a couple moments of feeling bold, but they are few and far between. Once during Bay to Breakers in SF I stumbled upon a hot tub filled with bubbles in the middle of Golden Gate Park. I wasn’t one of the overachievers doing the actual run, I was one of the degenerates doing the drunken stumble from my house to the ocean. Standing with me in this hot tub of bubbles was a cute boy. I thought, ‘man I’d really like to kiss him,’ and immediately jumped out of the hot tub and ran back to my friends. But then the liquor in me made me bold and I told them, “I’m going to go ask that boy to makeout with me!” So I did, and we did. And then I ran away again super awkwardly because obviously. I’m me.

Once when I went skydiving like 8 years ago, my instructor was a cute boy who was taller than me. We jumped out of a plane strapped together, and our conversation was great as we parachuted back down to earth. Afterwards I went to run an errand with a friend. I told him about said skydiving guy, and he was like, “You should have given him your number!” He drove me back to the skydiving place, and I boldly walked inside. Then I immediately lost all my gumption when I saw him out the window. I told the woman at the front desk, “Um can you give this to (insert whatever his name was here)?” She looked at me funny and said, “Um ok.” I chucked a folded paper at her and ran back to the car. He never called.

And then there is this story, where I gave my number to some waitresses to give to a waiter after he served me during a bad date. He also never called. I think maybe those waitresses threw it away because they wanted a piece of him.

So anyway, yeah. Bad at stuff.

The last guy I seriously dated was someone I thought was going to be my forever. Instead, he told me he loved me and we planned our future and then he ghosted me. Full on disappeared. Yes, that is a real thing people apparently do. Rather than sink into a pit of despair and ice cream like I wanted to do, I forced myself to go to the gym every day (and then when I got home I sank into said pit, but at least I’d already worked off some of the calories).

I was reluctantly walking to the gym from work on one of these days wearing my yoga clothes and carrying my mat. I had headphones in and was likely listening to some comedy podcast to keep myself lucid. A tall gentleman walked past me and I hardly noticed. But then a few moments later, he came walking quickly up next to me.

I was startled and looked up at him as I stopped walking. He said something I didn’t hear, so I took out my headphones already annoyed and said, “What?” I thought he was going to ask me for the time or something, which I didn’t have time for because I was late to my yoga class.

Volume Guy: “Hi.”
Me, growing more annoyed and wishing he would get to the point: “Um hi.”
Volume Guy: “How are you?”
Me: “Um, fine.”
Volume Guy: “Do you have a minute?”
Me: “Um, I guess.”
Volume Guy: “I just saw you walk by and I had to stop and talk to you.”
Me, taken aback: “Oh…um, thanks?”
Volume Guy: “Would it be ok if I hit on you?”
Me: “Uh…that’s really flattering, but…”
Volume Guy: “What’s your name?” and “What do you do?” and “Where are you from?” and “Why did you move here?”
Me: Insert answers in between all those questions that are too boring to type.
Volume Guy: “Are you single?”

At this point, I would normally quickly say no just to get him to go away. He was tall, but he wasn’t my type at all. He did have a British accent which helped things, but not enough. But because I’m so dedicated to this blog and because I was tired of feeling sorry for myself, I forced myself to take a chance.

Me: “I am, actually.”

I didn’t want to go out with this guy. Like at all. But I didn’t want to be single either.

Volume Guy: “Do you think I could get your number and ask you out sometime?”
Me: “I’m really flattered, but…um…I’m not really…um ok sure.”

I figured the worst that would happen is I could give him my number and block him if I decided I wasn’t interested. I gave him my number and we parted ways. He texted me minutes later telling me I am beautiful and that he’d like to take me out that coming weekend if I was free.

I debated going out with him, but just couldn’t muster the energy. And so because I’m awful, I never responded. 

Flash forward several months to a Wednesday in September. I had recently started dating someone who is legitimately awesome and a non-ghoster. A friend convinced me I should do a half marathon with her at the end of November, so I’d just begun doing long training runs on Wednesdays. I was feeling generally great about life and had just completed my first 75 minute run in almost 2 years.

Let’s be honest here. I looked and smelled like absolute garbage after that run. So much sweat.

So I walked to the bus to head home for a much needed shower. The bus stop was about 2 blocks from where Volume Guy stopped me the first time, and right out in front of a Thai restaurant. I was leaning against the wall minding my own business, smelling awful and trying to keep my distance from everyone around me for their sakes. I was once again listening to a comedy podcast, but this time because I like to laugh and not because I was sinking emotionally.

Suddenly, someone walked out the door of the restaurant and tapped me on the shoulder. I thought he had gestured to his wrist so I took out my headphones and was getting ready to tell him the time.

Volume Guy, who I didn’t yet recognize: “Hi, do you have a minute?”
Me: “Oh, um ok.”
Volume Guy: “I saw you from inside and had to come out to talk to you.”

And suddenly it hit me. This guy had totally asked me out before. On the same street. Wearing almost the same clothes. 

Volume Guy: “Are you single?”
Me, super stoked with the my answer this time: “No, I’m not, I’m sorry.”

Smile.

Volume Guy: “What’s your name?” and “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” and “What brought you here?”

I answer all his questions with the same, short, boring answers I gave him the first time. He appears to have no memory of me and I’m shocked that my Pig-Pen appearance would draw anyone out of anywhere to come talk to me. But I guess it’s flattering? Or he just likes gross smelly people. Or as my boyfriend suggested, he’s just going for volume and asking out every single girl he sees. What a winning strategy.

Human Phil – Survived by Sarah

WHO: Human Phil. You might be thinking, “Aren’t all the guys you go on dates with humans, Sarah?” That point is actually debatable as I’m not totally sure they are all actually human beings, but you’ll find out why I have to specify that this guy was a human shortly.

WHAT: OKCupid date

WHEN: A few weeks ago

WHERE: The Hi-Life in Ballard, WA

WHY: Because of all the single. Sigh.


THE DATE
I first started talking to this guy on OKC like 5 months before we actually went on a date. To his credit, he continued to reach out to me every time I ghosted off the app. I had met Navy Guy (see previous blog post My Person) back in March and had an on and off thing with him for a few months. Every time Navy Guy ghosted me, I reluctantly re-downloaded all the stupid apps and started messaging people to keep myself from losing my shit.

So Human Phil was one of the guys I would randomly and sporadically message and he always replied. We didn’t have much deep conversation, but he seemed to have his shit together. His main profile photo didn’t really do anything for me, but some of the others seemed to be better photos and he seemed cute. His profile said he was 6’3” and since he kept responding after every disappearance I made, I kept him around in my message inbox.

So, shit finally ended with Navy Guy and ended badly. I hopped back on the dating train to keep myself from totally derailing emotionally, and Human Phil and I made a plan.

Now, the curious thing about online dating is that most of the apps don’t make you list your actual name. So unless you think about it ahead of time or they offer it up, you suddenly find yourself going on dates with people who you realize you don’t know how to address. Several times I’ve sent a text to someone like an hour before meeting them that says, “So this is really embarrassing but I just realized I don’t know what your name is.” Online dating is the worst.

So Human Phil’s name on OKC was c5run. I had no idea until morning of our date what this guy’s name was. I know it seems weird to not have asked, but it’s just something that slips your mind when all you’re doing is typing to people. They don’t even seem like real people anyway until you meet them. The morning of our date, he sends me a message asking if we are still on for that evening. He also mentions he never caught my name and says his is Phil.

This might seem shallow and lame, but I was immediately turned off. My cat is named Phil.

If you’ve never seen the show Modern Family, you’re really missing out. There is a character named Phil who I have long said I want to find a real-life version of to end up with. There’s an episode where Phil and his family go to a dude ranch and he dubs himself Buffalo Phil, which is what I named my cat. I’ve had said cat for about 4 years and was not looking forward to dating someone with the same name. That just feels creepy. That’s like a level of crazy cat lady you can’t recover from.

Human Phil lived downtown but said he loves Ballard and agreed to meet me in my neighborhood. I picked a restaurant that s inside an old firehouse and has a decent happy hour, and reluctantly drug myself onto the bus to go meet him there. I wasn’t really feeling excited and it was a Sunday evening and I was tired. Monday was coming and I had things I needed to get done.

Human Phil was much more attractive in person than in his photos, which rarely happens. We had decent conversation and hung out for over 2 hours. He was from Arizona and had moved here two years earlier. Bla bla bla. None of it was particularly memorable, but it wasn’t awful. It was mildly enjoyable.

At one point he told me about his dog and said, “I’m a really bad pet owner,” and I was immediately turned off. You should never be that and you should never tell someone that.

We had some appetizers and beers and he paid for everything which was a nice change. We exchanged phone numbers and made tentative plans for the following week. When we walked outside, he gave me a hug and kind of tilted side to side as he hugged me and said LOUDLY in my ear, “IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU SARAH!!”  

After our first date I wasn’t totally sure I felt like dating this guy, but at least he wasn’t terrible. For our second date, he suggested a place in Fremont and I headed over there after yoga. I texted him to let him know I was running about 5 minutes late, but he didn’t respond. I walked as fast as my little long legs could carry me, and saw him getting off the bus about 30 seconds before I walked inside.

Yes, I was late. But at least I made the effort to let him know I was going to be late. He didn’t seem to feel that was necessary on his part. It rubbed me the wrong way for some reason. I should have taken it as an omen.

I had been basically sprint-walking for several minutes in the very hot sun, and the restaurant was really stuffy inside so the sweats came on. What a good look. It was extremely crowded for a Thursday night so we sat at the bar while we waited for a table. I was dying of thirst but Human Phil wouldn’t stop blathering on about one thing or another. After 20 minutes I was finally able to break in and say I was going to go order a beer. He looked miffed and stood off to the side so I could order.

I asked what he wanted, and Human Phil said, “Oh, nothing. I can wait until we get a table.”

Um, ok.

I asked if he wanted some water, and again Human Phil said, “No, I can wait until we get a table.”

I was growing more annoyed by the second.

We finally got a table and about 2 minutes after we sat down, someone announced that trivia would be starting in about 15 minutes. I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried to have a conversation while trivia is going on in the same room, but it’s near impossible. You just end up silently sitting there listening to the questions and whispering the answers to each other even though you aren’t playing.

So that’s what we did. We had lame conversation until trivia started, and then we listened to trivia until we left. Everything he said was annoying me. The things about him I’d found interesting on our first date had dissolved. We had discussed bus lines on our first date, going over in detail which routes and which stops are the worst. We somehow did this again on our second date. It wasn’t even an interesting conversation the first time around, so why it was being revisited again was beyond me.

I jokingly said, “We already talked about this last time. I guess we have nothing left to talk about.” But I was only 1% joking and 99% serious.

Once trivia started, I was relieved not to have to talk to him anymore. Which worked out well because he got far more annoying. Turns out he is a know-it-all who has to be right. Every question they asked he would tell me my answer was wrong and his was right and then whenever he was right he would point at me and say, “I told you.”

I find super competitive people to be a total turnoff. I am not competitive at all and losing at something doesn’t really bother me. There’s a lot more I couldn’t probably tell you about this guy, but what’s the point. So I mentally checked out and ate my food quicker so I could leave  sooner.

We split the bill and headed outside. Someone must have been looking out for me, because his bus was pulling up right as we walked outside. He hugged me and I was like, “Go or you’ll miss your bus! Bye!” He ran across the street and I happily listened to a comedy podcast to help me get back to a non-annoyed place while waiting for my bus. He texted me half an hour later, “Got it!” I waited until the next day and wrote back, “Nice.” And we never spoke again.

I like cat Phil a lot better anyway.

Justin – Survived by Sarah

WHO: Justin

WHAT: Blind date set-up by my coworker

WHEN: June 2015

WHERE: Burgundian, a restaurant and bar in Tangletown, Seattle

WHY: Because I was reeling from a sort-of breakup. My coworker had mentioned this guy to me a couple times and I finally pleaded with her to make it happen to get my mind off my sort-of ex. She gave me his number and I texted him to get the ball rolling.

THE DATE
My coworker had told me a couple times she thought I would get along with this friend of her husband’s. I was in the middle of a gut-wrenching on-and-off roller coaster relationship, but it had been seemingly over for 2 weeks so I went ahead and contacted this Justin guy. He was in Mexico for a few days but we made a plan to meet for dinner when he got back. As the day got closer, my coworker began mentioning that she thought I would either really like this guy or really hate him.

So I started getting nervous.

She said he was really funny and she liked him, and since I liked her, I trusted her judgement. She had mentioned at some point that he was going to law school, which seemed at least promising. He was working towards something, so I assumed he had some motivation. But then the day of the date she told me she had been thinking about it and was pretty sure I wouldn’t like him.

Sigh.

I headed to the restaurant and looked inside, but didn’t see anyone sitting on their own. It was a beautiful day out so I grabbed us a table outside and texted him to let him know.

I sat there for a good 10 minutes sipping water. He was late and didn’t seem to feel the need to tell me, which is never a good way to start things off. I saw a guy walk in the door and then he appeared at my table a minute later.

Justin: “You didn’t see me waiting inside for you?”
Me: “Um, no. I looked, but..”
Justin, interrupting me: “Well I’ve been sitting in there waiting.”

It was clear to me he was lying, but it was not clear why. He had obviously just arrived, I had seen him walk in the door. I recognized his stupid shirt. Why didn’t he just tell me he got stuck in traffic or something and apologize?

I had spoken to my sort-of ex the night before for 3 hours on the phone. We’d talked through everything, he’d apologized for everything, and we were both dedicated to giving our relationship a real true go. I loved him desperately, and he seemed to love me back even more. I’d told him I already had this date planned and that I wasn’t going to cancel last minute because I still didn’t trust my sort-of ex. He understood and said he would be waiting for me when it was over, but that he sort-of hoped it didn’t go well. I agreed.

So I’m sitting across the table from this person I’ve never met who has already lied to my face. I couldn’t wait for this to be over so I could get back to the real thing I had waiting for me. But I’m nice, so I tried to make conversation.

He wasn’t all that tall, but slightly taller than me. He was possibly high, but I couldn’t quite tell. He was not very well groomed, but in that messy unkempt look that stoners have and not the cool suave “I tried really hard to look like I rolled out of bed because I’m a hipster” look. His points were not adding up.

I asked him how his trip was, and he told me he saw the sunrise every day he was there and then slept all day until the sunset. He would then get up and continue to party.

In case you missed that, I’ll reiterate for you. He was in Mexico. And he slept all day. Every day. All he did was party all night. Every night.

This guy was 30.

Maybe that’s fun for some people, but I’ve outgrown that. And if I’m in a beautiful tropical place, you can damn well be sure I’m going to explore it WHILE THE SUN IS STILL OUT. Who goes to a beautiful beach destination and NEVER MAKES IT TO THE BEACH IN THE DAYTIME?!

I digress.

The waiter came over and asked if we wanted anything to eat. It was 7pm, which most people might think of as dinnertime. We had agreed to meet at a restaurant that  he picked at dinnertime. He’d told me ahead of time how great the food was there. But this Justin across from me says to the waiter, “Oh no, we’re fine.”

I’m pretty independent and don’t need other people to make my eating decisions for me. I looked up from the menu at him half quizzically and half extremely annoyed.

Justin: “Yeah, I’m not hungry. I ate right before I left to come here.”
Me: “Umm ok. Well I just came from an hour of yoga, so I’m starving and need to eat. You can just awkwardly watch me I guess.”

Justin blathered on and on about how great the food was at this place, and harped on how great the chicken and waffles are. He told me I should order them, but I reiterated that I’d just come from yoga and didn’t really feel like stuffing myself full of fried food and bread. I also said that chicken and waffles is not the greatest meal to have someone watch you eat.

We moved on.

I asked him what he did, and he got a little squirmy.

Justin, after a pause: “I’m a farmer.”
Me, knowing full well what that meant: “Oh, so you grow pot?”

He told me it was his “family business” but that no one else worked with him. I wasn’t interested but asked questions and let him keep yammering on just to help pass the time.

We hadn’t been sitting there long, maybe 20 minutes, when he pulled out his phone. He stared at it silently and began texting someone. I just sat there blatantly staring at him. This went on for a few minutes. I drank my beer and seethed while I continued staring at him.

He eventually looked back up at me and we had some terrible conversation. He told me he had recently gotten a new car because he’d crashed his last one.

Me: “Oh my god, what happened?”
Justin: “Oh, it wasn’t a big deal. I crashed into a parked car.”
Me: “Oh…um..”
Justin: “Yeah, I’d been up all night partying and tried to drive home at 11am. You know how when you’re really tired you think it’s a good idea to drive, even though you know you probably shouldn’t?”
Me: “Um..”
Justin: “Yeah, well I’d been up all night and just dozed off and hit a parked car. My car was totaled.”
Me: “Well did your insurance at least get you a new car out of it?”

And here comes the real true gem of the evening. I mean, it’s completely idiotic and ludicrous, but it’s so astoundingly stupid that it’s amazing.

Justin: “Nah. I don’t have Facebook or car insurance or anything like that. I don’t really do that kind of social media responsible stuff.”

Silence.

Me, taking a deep breath: “Wait…you think that car insurance and Facebook are the same thing?”
Justin: “Yeah, pretty much. I don’t really do that stuff. I mean, I crash a car every few years so what’s the point?”
Me: “Ok…first of all, those are in no way the same thing. Facebook and car insurance? You reall think those are the same? One of them is legally required and one is status messages about people’s food and cats. And second, why do you crash a car every few years? Why don’t you just stop crashing cars?”

I was baffled. My brain was grappling to understand such sheer and utter stupidity. I was rendered speechless as what he said started to sink in.

He sat across the table silent as he stared at his phone texting for several minutes. I chugged my beer.

Finally, he looked up.

Justin: “Sorry, I’ve got plans to meet up with a buddy soon.”

Whatever.

I think at some point I may have asked him about going to law school.

Justin: “Yeah, I think about that sometimes. Maybe in 2 years or so. What I’m doing right now pays the bills, so who knows. I might never go.”

I was over it dot com.

He stared at his phone for a third time for several minutes. I stared off into the distance so bored. I wanted to be done with this so I could call the guy I really wanted to be with and tell him I was all his from then forward.

Eventually Justin looked up, we probably had mediocre conversation, and he nicely paid the whole bill. I will at least give him credit for that. I think he could finally sense that this was not going well. To his credit, he also walked me to my car. As we walked he stopped and inspected some plants, asking me if maybe they were dill.

I tapped my foot while I waited for him because WHO CARES??

We got to my car, we hugged, and I bolted.

I called my guy-in-waiting and he was glad it had gone terribly. But spoiler alert: he and I talked on the phone every night for a week after that, saw each other in person and had an amazing day, made grand declarations of our undying love for each other, made plans for my upcoming birthday and our future together, and then two days later he fell off the face of the earth and I never heard from him again.

So, with one story two chapters end. Dating is the actual worst.